Notes: So I Run

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

When I am upset and depressed, I run. While I am running, I am crying. Nobody knows but I feel good about it. Nobody sees the tears behind the shade that I  wear; nobody sees that there is a weak and fragile soul behind the strong body. Nobody.

At the end, everyone has their own struggle that they have to deal with. Hence, I prefer to run. It gives me time to talk to myself and do a self reflection. So I run, I run as far and as fast as I can shake my burden away.


Reflection: Do Good

I read the book of James this morning. I come across to an interesting line. It was James 2:14-15, 25. It says “If someone claims to have faith but has no deeds, can such faith save them? If faith isn’t accompanied by action, is dead.  As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.”


Spirituality: Hamsa

Got this antique pair of hamsa earrings at St. Lawrence Sunday Antique Market. It is only for 20 $. Hamsa prayer: Let no sadness come to this heart; Let no trouble come to these arms; Let no conflict come to these eyes. Let my soul be filled with the blessing of joy of peace. 

Hamsa earrings [2014: E O]

Hamsa earrings [2014: E O]

Notes: It’s awkward when G.O.D shows up


Making peace with yourself is not easy especially when you are too arrogant for who you are. You might find yourself as a smart person with good knowledge and skill. You might find yourself as a person who is easy to get a good job with a decent salary. But as long as you do not value what you have, it means nothing for you and your mind cannot even rest at night.

As a girl, who was born in a Catholic Family and sent to a Catholic School for more than 12 years, I grew up to be a person who is slowly being ignorance toward my own religion. No. It is not just toward my religion but also all religions in the world because I think that religion is no more than a label. I see that

A religion has separated human being from one group to another group,  it gives us a label, it puts us to a box, it creates a war and it creates hatred among human being. Even worse, many of them do not treat other human beings as they should be treated. While religion is actually only a transportation to a man, who we called as  G.O.D

For the sake of religion, the so-called religious human being killed the other because they think that they are the right one. For the sake of religion, there was a war and bloody attack that has happened many years in human history. But all the bloody attacks by religious hardline group or the terrorist attack made me sick. I always question myself ‘How can human being kill the other just in the name of the religion? Do they want to go to heaven?’ But is there any such a thing called heaven and hell? Later, I even question myself about G.O.D existences in this life. Is there any such a thing that we call as G.O.D?

My basic thinking about religion and G.O.D have got me thinking that if there is a G.O.D, is it true that He has a religion? What is G.O.D religion then?  If there is G.O.D, is it true that G.O.D is a male hence we always use ‘HE’ to call him? And why do we use capital G to write to God? Why don’t we just simply write god? Is religion no more than transportation to G.O.D?

Those questions are always hanging around in my head. But I believe that at the end of the day religion is no more than a social construction that provides a whole pile of regulation on how mankind should treat the other, on how mankind should live their life. But then again, something got me thinking. Who has created this world in the first place? Should we believe in the big bang theory? What about mankind, where are they coming from? I do not know.

Anyway, I would say that I turned out to be such an arrogant human being in the past eight years. I always say to myself that as long as I treat other human beings as I wanna be treated, why should I be tied up to any religion? Why would I pray? Why would I go to church? What about praying underneath the tree? I look into myself, I am young, I got brain, I got money, I got  job since I was 16, I got a boyfriend who loves me and is going to marry me, and I do not need to ask to G.O.D to give me a better life because I believe that I can achieve everything with my own hard work. But… No! There was a stage in my life that made me realize that I am too arrogant for that statement.

1. The unseen thing was discovered in 2009

Shit! I always thought that I am the strongest woman in the world, I also always thought that I am the healthiest person. It is because I have never been sick, I could stay awake for two days without sleeping and I do not need to be worried about what I eat and drink. But one day in August 2009, a doctor told me that I had a liver problem. Unless I treated it well, it could create a problem within ten years. Wow! Ten years. You gotta be kidding me!

What kind of life would I have in the next ten years? Would I have reached all my dreams?  What kind of ride would I have? Honda CRV? Pajero Sport? Ford? BMW? Mercedes-Benz? Porsche? Or will I just drive a motorbike or get on the cab only? Where would I live? What kind of job would I have? Would I have children? How many?

I felt so down. I did not know where I should run to. I just thought that I only have Ed because I would never be told anyone about it as I did not want people to feel pity about me. He stood by me all the times, he would wake up in the morning and get my pill for me, he was there when I was feeling afraid of everything that might happen to me. He made me believe that I would be fine one day with all the medication that I take and we can have a healthy life for the rest of our life.

But no, not even once in those periods of times, I was thinking that I should run to G.O.D because I didn’t believe in G.O.D. I did not believe that He would heal me as I did not see him touching me. I only believe to my doctor, I believe that she could bring my healthy life back because she is real and she was meant to heal anyone who comes to her. So, why should I believe in God?

2. Long Distance Relationship

I am telling you that staying in long distance relationship is not fun at all especially when both of us are busy with our own job when both of us are busy to pursue our own dream and you do not have time to check out to each other. I have been in a long distance relationship with my ex-bf and I did not like it at all. In fact, I just hate it! But, I just did it again in a shorter period of time with my fiance for nearly eight months. But… hmmm…I am not going through all the details on the situation that we have gone through as I prefer to keep it under my hat due to some private matters. However, speaking about a long distance relationship, I must say that:

In order to make a long distance relationship work out well, it is very important that you find a similar understanding about the value of your relationship especially when it is a serious relationship that you have been building for many years with your lover. Unless you can build proper and good communication between you two, a bad communication will damage your relationship.

3. Troubled Soul, Empty Heart

Actually, this is kinda hard to write this part as I have decided to skip some important part. But it might not be hard if I just stop complaining and just write it up (Sorry, I have a conversation with myself).

Anyway, since I moved to Jakarta and started to love my new life as a junior news reporter in a big city, there are several things that make me wonder whether I like to love my life or not because whenever I got home, I felt so lonely, I felt so lost and I was questioning myself whether this is a life that I want to live or not.

Staying in long distance relationship, having myself unable to communicate with my fiance because of bad line, having a bad communication, facing  a whole pile of things to organize relate to the wedding, which will be held in different city where I live  and feeling disappointed with myself because I felt that I have not done my best to reach my dream.

As I kept questioning myself without having somebody to discuss it, I always prefer to going out to the club to release my stress away by meeting new people, dancing, getting drunk every Friday night and doing a crazy thing that might cause a problem. I did not care with what I did, I did not care about how much money I spent and I always said ‘Screw what people say!” because all I just cared that I could escape from my troubles.

Until one awkward Saturday morning, I woke up in a very beautiful sunny morning, I found myself terribly drunk and I looked down through the window that there were many people enjoying a sunny day by swimming and sunbathing.

As I was so upset with a beautiful day that I have to miss, I walked back to my bed and I said to myself “I am jealous! I want to go to the pool but I cannot because I am having a terrible hungover“. I continued talking to myself while I was just lying down, I smiled and I said to myself again “What is fun for me? Spending the money on the booze and getting drunk would not solve any problem. In fact, it creates a bigger problem.”

“But I hate to live my life like this. It seems that I have thousands of problems but I got no idea on how to solve it and just prefer to run away,

“What is wrong with me? I do not know. I am not sure because all I know that I feel an emptiness in my heart and I just want to fill it with some fun but it ain’t no fun but it was another problem. Even a bigger problem.

“I feel that there was something missing in my life but I do not know what that is.”

4. The Messenger

One day in May, I met a friend that I knew from my favourite club. We had an interesting conversation about G.O.D (Of course we did not have the conversation in the club). Honestly, it has been for ages that I did not meet a person, who believes in G.O.D and practice religion in their life. Well, except for my whole own families, who believe in G.O.D and they are practising religion.

I rolled my eyes as soon as he mentioned that he believes in G.O.D and whatever life situation that he is facing, G.O.D always has given him strength.  It was really surprised me that there is a person, who believes in G.O.D and Jesus.

“Really? Do you believe in G.O.D? How come? I have a doubt toward G.O.D existence because I have never seen him before and I often said ‘Screw the religion because it creates hatred and it has separated human being’,” I continued.

“Other than that, unless I see something, I would not believe in something,” I said to him.

My friend told me along with the story about G.O.D and also faith.  I got very interested in the discussion and there was something along the line which got me thinking and I got into a conversation with myself.

“Now, I know what I have been missing, I know what has caused me feeling so lost… I have been missing my spiritual life, I have been lost to find a sense of inner peace because all I have been thinking about were on how to pursue and reach wealth and my dreams,

“I always used to think that in order to pursue wealth and dreams, it is just required hard work. We do not need to put our trust in such a thing that they call as G.O.D,

“I realised that I have been so arrogant as a human being. My arrogance has caused me to feel an emptiness in my heart, it might also have caused me a troubled soul and all I want is an inner peace,

“But the problem is I just do not know how I can go back to my spiritual life and find my inner peace,”

So my friend gave me a bible and a daily devotional book, which I did not touch for a few days because I felt awkward as I have never touched the bible for many years.  He also suggested to me that it would be good if I tried to go to church and I did it. Oh Geez! I felt awkward, I felt nothing and I felt so dry. Yet, I did not want to give up on looking for my inner peace by stopping going to church and going back to the club to have some fun.

As time goes by, thing changed differently but slowly. I am so glad about what happened because I felt that I have made peace with myself and tried to be slow down with my life. No, I have not found all the answers that I am searching but I am glad that it works out well.


Christo Ray in Dili, East Timor

It makes me smile whenever I remember the day when I always said that religion is such nonsense for me. Hence I do not want to be tied up to any religion because as I mentioned that religion has separated human being from one group to another group. So, basically the basic principle in this life is as long as we know on how to treat the others, I do not need to be tied up with religion. However, I would say that religion is beautiful for its followers and as long as you don’t force it to the other and respect other people for what they believe.

Sometimes we are too arrogant by thinking that we can handle this life with our own two hands. Sometimes we are too arrogant by thinking that we are wise enough to manage our knowledge and skill to pursue our dream and wealth but (if you believe in G.O.D) you forgot who has granted you the skill, knowledge and skill to pursue your dream as it is your happiness. It is because I believe that our knowledge, skill and wisdom ain’t no coming by itself.

I believe that there must be somebody’s out there laughing on why people believe in G.O.D and practising religion. But I don’t really give a damn anyway because life has shown me how peaceful it is to practise your belief.

 Ride the bus