Notes: Working in Isolated Place

ORG__DSC5072Sometimes I wonder why some people working in isolated places such as conflict zone and mining site tend to be cold and alcoholic. When they fall in love, they hardly know to express their feelings even by a simple touch, hug and a nice word like “I am here for you” or “I got your back“.

As they make a lot of money, they love their lover or partner with money, plenty of money. Interestingly enough, when they get mad or jealous, they would tell you how much money they have spent on you. And, when you refuse their money, they go nuts. Why? I think it is because they feel that their love has been rejected and somehow have no power to control them. I somehow believe that some of them fail to understand that not everyone wants to be loved with money. Right?

As some of you might be aware that those who work in an isolated area would have R&R time so they can either spend time by themselves, family or the loved one. Unfortunately, sometimes their focus will not be 100 per cent on the loved one because they tend to be tired from travelling and work.

As they recovery from all the tiredness and R&R days only a few days left before heading back to the working place and somehow their mind is already in the working place. I wonder whether it happens to men only or also women?!

Ride the bus

Notes: To Sacrifice or Not To ?

ORG__DSC5026.JPGAs I scrolled down my Facebook’s news feed this morning, I came across to a piece titled “I didn’t realize my husband was depressed until we divorced“. It was published by British media outlet Telegraph. It is a very interesting piece. Worth reading. And when I read it, I feel like deja vu.

Over the years, I learnt that the key to understanding that other people are being depressed is by looking into ourselves first. Whether are we at the right stage of mind or not? And then, we will be able to see other people’s problem.

When we are in a serious long term relationship be it being married or engaged, communication is very important to keep the relationship going. It is true that we should not ignore any behaviour-changing of our partner as humanely as possible. However, it is not as easy as it is said especially when both of them are not at the right state of mind.

In that situation, the couple then normally will not be able to communicate rationally, the couple will not be able to see things clearly. The woman will always sound nagging and the man will always sound angry all the time. And if the couple is not willing to see it within themselves and admit it (that they are not at the right stage of mind or depressed), it’s hard to change the situation.

The thing is many people do not want to accept or admit that themselves or their partner are being depressed because many still consider or associate depression with mental illness, which is embarrassing for many.

It then causes depression rooted in oneself and makes the situation worse because of ignorance. Screaming. Yelling. Glass shattered. Hospital. Self-harm. Committing suicide. Getting drunk. Saying nasty things to each other. Etc. It can be very horrible and traumatic.

For me, the only solution is that I have to learn to love myself before I love other people. “Loving yourself” might sound easy but if you are an ambitious person and living in the fast-moving world yet competitive, it’s just not easy.

Why? You just want to achieve more and more for yourself. And when two ambitious people get together, “loving yourself” becomes difficult because the individuals have to sacrifice one thing and another for the sake of the relationship. The question is are we ready to do so, place the relationship before the career?

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Notes: So I Run

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

When I am upset and depressed, I run. While I am running, I am crying. Nobody knows but I feel good about it. Nobody sees the tears behind the shade that I  wear; nobody sees that there is a weak and fragile soul behind the strong body. Nobody.

At the end, everyone has their own struggle that they have to deal with. Hence, I prefer to run. It gives me time to talk to myself and do a self reflection. So I run, I run as far and as fast as I can shake my burden away.

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You Never Miss What You Had Until It’s Gone

ORG__DSC6329It was 10:06 p.m. when I stepped into the house last night. I just got home from watching the premiere of Indonesian film “A Copy of My Mind” at 2015 Toronto International Film Festival. I felt restless and extremely exhausted. All I thought about was good night sleep. After I finished the shower and got ready to bed, I heard my phone beeping. It was from a good friend of mine. Yet, I did not answer his message until I woke up this morning.

Beb,” my friend wrote.

Yes,” I answered.

“I want to break up (with my lover). I’m a sex addict and he said to me that if I slept with other guys, we’re done” My friend wrote.

“Well, if it is the best for you then go ahead. But remember, we have a certain condition that everybody cannot just accept it easily. Unless you enjoy being alone and do not need or want to have somebody to come home to or make you feel complete, then you should break up and continue the adventure.” I went on,

“At the end, casual sex only gives us temporary happiness and temporary sense of acceptance. Those hot, rich and handsome guys normally give no shit about us at all. As soon as they’re done, they are just gonna go.” I continued.

“So I think, we have to ask to ourselves ‘Why do we want to trade one great guy with a beautiful personality and most importantly loves us so much, who also can accept us the way we are, with those dickheads? What are we looking for?’. As they say ‘You never miss what you had until it’s gone.'” I said.

True,” he answered.

Sometimes we just take our lives for granted until we lose everything and regret it. When it is gone, it is gone.

PS: This writing was inspired by my conversation with a good friend of mine. Of course, I shared this story with my friend’s permission.

Notes: Give A Hand

_DSC3916Sometimes we want to help someone, who is going astray because we know that (s)he is actually a good person inside. But  I realize that we cannot help somebody who actually doesn’t want to help themselves . Or they even don’t think that they might need help from anyone. Should we bother to give a hand?

 

Notes: Why Am I Blogging?

e44c7025-693d-4983-8cf2-a6dcbbb37b28Perhaps some of you wonder why I like to share my personal problem in social media, i.e blog. Well, I am the type of person who I always have a reason why I do thing things whether why I shave my hair off, why I go to the gym or even why I blog about my personal life.

So why do I blog about my personal life? Once I read a blog post saying that writing a journal would help our personal growth and development because it would give us an insight into our behaviour and moods. I kind of agree with that statement, especially I have been writing a personal diary since I was a little girl and have been blogging since I was 16. I found that writing a journal would help me to reflect on my life especially everything that I have been going through. On top of that, I also can review the improvement of my writing skill and my vocabulary bank.

But I must say that I am not kind of person who likes to share my problem with my friend.  It is not because I don’t trust them to keep my secret but I tend to not believe or trust their judgement. Not saying that they are wrong, it is just ….. their judgement tends to lead me to further confusion.

And the most annoying part of it is people would start being judgmental and telling you how wrong or even how stupid you are without understanding the circumstance. They would even start telling you that “you should not have done this and that… and bla bla bla

Oh well… I guess it is our problem, we tend to listen to respond than listen to understand why the thing is going wrong with somebody’s else life. Am I right?

And those are the last thing that I want to hear from others especially when I know very well that they are not in my shoes.  Yet, sometimes …. I still have a discussion with my friends also about my problem but not to seek for advice.

So what should I do if I need some advice? As I love reading the book and listening to music, I always would seek some advice from an inspirational book or inspirational songs. It helps me to reflect on my problem. Other than that, they would never judge me but tend to give me a wiser suggestion. That’s the best thing about it! Try it!

So that’s why I rather share my burden by blogging than talking to friends because I want to protect my feeling, to protect my heart and to prevent me from bad influences from others. But as humanely as possible,  I am trying my best to not posting a harmful or sensitive blog anyhow. So bear with me readers….

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy my blog!

 

Review: American Hustle

American Hustle

American Hustle

Last weekend, I watched American Hustle (2013), an American crime film about two con artists (started by Christian Bale as Irving Rosenfeld and Amy Adams as Sydney Prosser), who were caught by an FBI agent (Bradley Cooper) in loan scams. The FBI agent offered to release the two if only they were willing to help him to  investigate a dirty operation on corrupt politician in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s in USA. 

American Hustle, which won three Golden Awards, is basically a story about ambition, love, loyalty, duplicity, greediness and also corruption. Took the setting in the 1980’s, the movie appeared  pretty classy to me.  However the 138 minutes film soon become pretty boring because it moved pretty slow.

There were three parts of the movie that I like a lot

  1. Irving, who owns a laundry chain in New York and sells stolen art on the other side, met Sydney in a pool party. After Irving, who fall in love with Sydney, told the truth to her that he is a con artist; she accepted him as what he is and agreed to work together. She created a persona as Lady Edith Greensly, a British lady with a banking connection in London. Since they work together, money roll in like a water. As a con artist, Irving believes that most people (prospective clients a.k.a victims) would believe what they want to believe.
  2. It is clear to see that Sydney, who is  a former stripper, has a ambition to get out of poverty, be rich and be somebody’s else. In the middle of the movie, Sydney, who is apparently tired to be somebody’s else, said that she does not want another fake life anymore. “No more fake shit!” she screamed in tears.
  3. While Irving and Sydney  were working for the FBI agent to investigate Mayor Carmine Polito as the part of corruption circle in New Jersey. Somehow, Irving found a genuine friend in Carmine.

I would say that I am not particularly a big fans of action and/or crime film. But there are three lessons to learn from this film, which are

  1. Poverty is not good for anyone but there is always a positive way to get out of it even you would not be rich instantly. So don’t let the greediness manipulate yourself to manipulate other people for your own fortune
  2. Living a fake life is tiring
  3. It’s not easy to find a genuine friend who will accept you as you are so learn to be truthful about yourself.

So have you watched this film? What do you think about it?

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Wardrobe: Warm Sunday

Sunday Service's Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Sunday Service’s Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Hi readers…. it’s Sunday again! The weather has not been really friendly to the Jakartans in these last few days. It has been raining heavily nearly every night. Just like early last year, Jakarta is flooding again. Thankfully I am living in Southern Jakarta, where the heavy rain rarely caused flood in these area.

Despite the fact it was dark yet cloudy, I tried to have fun on Sunday by going to church and lunch with my Heirwid and Chacky. You might ask yourself “What kind of fun does she have in the church? Have fun in the church? That sounds weird!”

Well if you watched Sex and The City sit-com, you might still remember what Carrie said about church and fashion when she saw Mr. Big at the church with his mom.

She said “As I watched people leaving church, I was amazed at how they looked. Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la Renta. What is it about God and fashion that go so well together?And suddenly, there he was wearing Armani on Sunday.

So here I was wearing something  quite different today. I wore something, which is elegantly warm and sexy (at least that’s what I think). Somehow I love the look of myself.

Honestly I haven’t been taking care of myself since November because of stress. I got some complaints from some of my friends that I didn’t look well because I didn’t take care myself well, didn’t cut my hair or even facial. And here I am getting back on my feet again. What do you think?

Ride the bus

Notes: Drowning

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

It’s 3:16 am. I am sitting here alone with a cup of warm tea. Sick and stressed out. I invited nicotine  to be with me tonight. Alone. Lonely. I am drowning to the sounding of mosque prayer calls. Just don’t know what to say. Just don’t know what to do. 

This burden gets heavier each day. Thought that I have been loved. Thought that I have been everybody best friend. But here I am sitting here alone. No lover. No family. No friend. Just myself. Again… I just don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to do.

Somehow I  realized that I cannot force other people to love me the way I expected them to. I cannot force other people to accept me the way I wanted them to. But then again, they are not responsible for my happiness but I am. From now on, I have to learn how to be on my own and be happy with it.

God…. I just need somebody to lean on… but I know that I only can count on You. I am sitting here alone, trying to keep smiling but drowning on my own misery. Ha ha ha  I am laughing at myself. Perhaps I’ve been cursed, I said to myself. What a miserable bitch I am sometimes

Jakarta, 5 December 2013

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Music: Bad

Bad by Wale feat Tiara Thomas

Monogamy or whatever you call it
I’m starting to think it ain’t for everybody
Most of us is rushing into it anyways
Know what I’m sayin’

You ain’t rushin’ for love and I ain’t out here to judge
So lets neglect the what if’s and make it do what it does

Lets get it

Is it bad that, I never made love?
No I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to you
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to you
Cause I have some issues I won’t commit
No, not havin’ it
But at least I can admit
That I’ll be bad no to you (to you)
Yeah I’ll be good in bed
But I’ll be bad to you

Bad that, I never made love?
No I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck

Lets get it

Bad girls ain’t no good and the good girls ain’t no fun
And the hood girls want a smart niggaaaa
The college girls all want a thug
So it seems that fiend what we don’t need
Got a thing for a queen who know when to leave.
I ain’t about to judge you, don’t judge me
You ain’t gotta really sing about your rap sheet
Cause I heard you (bad no) yeah
In the literal sense I mean that
Rough sex saying I love you
But to kiss them saying you mean that (bad no)
I know I must be calling her mean ass
On the irony, got the bomb indeed
But the problem is probably a deep past
Still I’m feeling its something I need bad
Thinkin’ if I get her I get her to need this
I don’t need emotions to open your deep sea
I can see the ocean by going between your legs

Beg, nope, bed, floor, dope
Go, for it, couch, now, slow motion
Around, put it down
Lord know she as going for the morn
Hold up

Is it bad that, I never made love?
No I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to you
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to you
Cause I have some issues I won’t commit
No, not havin’ it
But at least I can admit
That I’ll be bad no to you (to you)
Yeah I’ll be good in bed
But I’ll be bad to you

She hurt feeling, she break hearts
She stay quiet, she play smart
She take pride, I’m going out
Getting hollered at, and saying nah
She no saint, but she don’t pose
She don’t wear make up by the boat load
Riding through the lake shore with the nose up
She don’t really date but it slows her up
She got haters but we all do
Heard you winter time cold, shawty fall through
Baby look at they approach how they court you
All those mind games never mind cause they all lose (bad no)
In the physical sense I mean that
I ain’t trynna kiss up, suck up, feed gas
I ain’t like them nigga you sucking your teeth at, nope
Play big trust me I’ll jumble your mean ass, look
Shawty is actually in prevent
Cause the one working in front
Is working with deep threat, yep

Bed, floor, couch, more
More, shower, Lord, perm
Done, love, nah
Called in the morning
Cell number wasn’t on, God

Is it bad that, I never made love?
No I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to you
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to you
Cause I have some issues I won’t commit
No, not havin’ it
But at least I can admit
That I’ll be bad no to you (to you)
Yeah I’ll be good in bed
But I’ll be bad to you

Bad that, I never made love
No I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your ….

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Notes: Safe Flight to Heaven Adit

Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it- Ecclesiastes 12:7

Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it- Ecclesiastes 12:7

Then the dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to God who gave it – Ecclesiastes 12:7

Nobody knows the mystery of life. And I just cannot believe that he is gone forever. He is Richardo Dicky Aditya. He is my beloved cousin, brother and homie. He’s gone in a very young age. And everyone agreed that he is very young when he’s gone. He is only 25 years old.

It was just last Sunday at 11 a.m. when I was still talking to him via BBM (Blackberry Messenger) and asking his condition. He told me that he was getting better. But seven hours later, my sister called me. She told me that Adit passed away, that he’s just gone forever.

“Is it real? Am I in a dreamland? Why? How come? I just talked to him few hours ago and he is gone now?” I asked to myself.

I was rendered speechless. I was stoned. I was shocked. Tears just streamed down my face. I just could not believe the news that I heard from my sister. Adit passed away.

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Adit and I [Yogyakarta, 2011]

Adit and I [Yogyakarta, 2011]

I missed the last flight from Jakarta to Yogyakarta on Sunday night as I only had an hour to catch the last flight. I decided to take a morning flight at 07:55 a.m on Monday.  And as soon as I landed, I went straight to Adit’s house with my best friend Olen.

On my way to Adit’s house, I still could not believe that the reason  I went to Yogya was just to say my last goodbye to Adit. “What my last goodbye? Where is he going?” Part of me asked myself because  I just still could not believe that Adit passed away, that he left his family, lover and friends just like that. I just could not believe. No, I could not believe it.

In a second I arrived at Adit’s house, I saw Yusak, he hugged me and broke in tears. He lost his very best friend in his life. We still could not believe that it really happened. We still could not believe that Adit was taken away without any warning or spoken words.  He’s just gone away. He left us with no warning. And no, we still could not believe it.

But it was real, it was not a dream.  Wearing a pair of black suit, Adit was lied in a white coffin. He smiled. He looks as if he was just sleeping but very peacefully. In a fact, he has been taken away from us to a better place by God. He’s gone forever.

Tried to staying strong, Bu Ida, Adit’s mom, was clearly in pain. Tears streamed down her cheek as she remembered every memory of her beloved son. Stared at his face, she felt his soul. She lost her only son, she lost her beloved friend.

Standing on the left side of Adit’s coffin, wearing a black shirt, Bu Ida told me that he’s gone in peace now. It’s so much better than he had to stay in pain. She accepted his death and let him go. She believed that one day she would unite with him again as one family in the Kingdom of God.

Adit’s death is just so hard to be faced by everyone who knows him, who loves him but we understood it very well that he is now in a better place with Jesus Christ, our Lord.

*

Our small gang, Yusak, Adit, Bebek and I [Yogyakarta, November 2012]

Our small gang, Yusak, Adit, Bebek and I [Yogyakarta, November 2012]

Yusak, I, Olen, Nocky and Adit [Yogyakarta, 2010]

Yusak, I, Olen, Nocky and Adit [Yogyakarta, 2010]

Adit and I were actually second cousin. We have never been very close before.  As we hang out at the same place, Bayonet,  Adit and I started getting very close. It was even closer than any of my relationship with my first cousin.

I just found Adit as a very friendly, fun, humble, smart and open-minded person to be around. We could talk about anything without having feeling ashamed or afraid.  We could just be ourselves and talked openly.

Apparently, as we hang out a lot, we established a small gang that consist of 4 people since new year eve 2009. The four were Adit, Yusak, Bebek and I. There were just so many memories that I could not really explain one by one here. Laughter and tears, disappointment and anger, joy and happiness, we shared all together.

Yusak, I and Adit [Semarang, 2009]

Yusak, I and Adit [Semarang, 2009]

Adit… He is a really good boy, good friend, good brother, good homie. He is a genuinely kind person with a good heart. He has never been cruel or mean toward me. Hence, I appointed him as the witness of my marriage from my side in 2011.  But unfortunately, he does not meet any requirement as the witness because he has not got married before. It was then replaced by Bu Ida, his mom. And it is okay. They both are cool person.

It’s still ringing in my ear whenever Adit called me ‘Nyah’ from the word ‘Nyonyah’ or ‘Madam’ every time we were going to gossiping or talking about something. But now… I would never hear his distinctive voice and tone again while he called me ‘Nyah’. It would only be a memory that would stay in my mind and my heart.

I am glad that I could make my way to Yogyakarta last November to hang out with Adit, Yusak and Bebek. It was the last time we could hang out together, four of us. After that time, Yusak moved to Surabaya, Adit moved to Bali, Bebek went back to Bandung and I went back to Jakarta. It was just difficult to find a time to hang out together again as we used to do as we are busy with our own work.

Adit,

I know you are in a better place now, up in Heaven with God and Angels up above. There were no words that I could write to express how upset I am for losing you. You have been such a great friend, brother, cousin and family to me. I would never forget you and I would always miss you. Safe flight to heaven Adit….

Love

Fani

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God our Father, Your power brings us to birth, Your providence guides our life and by Your command we return to dust.  I pray for the dead, especially Richardo Dicky Aditya. May him who has been so dear to me in life find a place with you in heaven. Amen.

Have a safe flight to heaven Adit....

Have a safe flight to heaven Adit….

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We were at my after wedding party at Vino Bar [Yogyakarta, 2011]

We were at my after wedding party at Vino Bar [Yogyakarta, 2011]

Malam Midodareni [Yogyakarta, 2011]

Malam Midodareni [Yogyakarta, 2011]

Three of us [Jakarta, 2012]

Three of us [Jakarta, 2012]

Three of us [Yogyakarta, 2010]

Three of us [Yogyakarta, 2010]

Student's life [Yogyakarta, 2009]

Student’s life [Yogyakarta, 2009]

We shared our laughter [Yogyakarta, 2009]

We shared our laughter [Yogyakarta, 2009]

Ride the bus

Ride the bus