Notes: Losing Your Body? Nah!

www.catatanfani.com (1)Many people say that once a woman becomes a mother, she will lose her body, become fat and have jiggly yet flabby body especially those who has baby delivered through c-section including me. Don’t even dream to get your body back, so they say. But here I am, I prove them wrong. You can still have a well-shape body even you have many children be it through normal delivery and/or c-section.

I started getting back to my training regime at seventh weeks postpartum. I must say that I didn’t find it easy. Sometimes I got frustrated because I didn’t seem to lose any baby fat after working out for one month. Sometimes I got frustrated or even depressed because l only run at the slow pace. Sometimes I even gave up, just sat down, did no exercises for hours and just played with my phone because I felt that I did not make any progress. 

But one day, I said to myself “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just started again,” so I started to take it easy that time. I just forgot about the aesthetics result and just focused on the form of my exercise as well as my diet.

At the end, aesthetic result is not my main exercise’s goal but sanity is. As a result, I got my body back faster than I expected as you can see on the picture above. 

Ps: no whey protein is being used. It’s all natural diet.

Ride the bus

Catatan: Tentang Bekerja

SONY DSC

Perempuan yang Bekerja [2016:EO]

Sebagai orang yang enggak bisa anteng dan meneng, saya enggak bisa hanya duduk di rumah dan do nothing sebagai ibu rumah tangga. Bahkan, saya enggak pernah berminat atau bercita-cita untuk menjadi a fulltime housewife. Rasanya ada sesuatu yang kurang dalam kehidupan saya. Apalagi sebagai wartawan, dulu saya selalu bertemu dengan orang yang berbeda-beda setiap harinya dan mendapatkan ilmu baru dari mereka. Belum lagi pekerjaan saya dalam dua tahun terakhir ini yang benar-benar membuka mata saya sebagai individu dan citizen di sebuah negara. Tetapi tahun ini saya harus mengambil jalan tersebut, menjadi a fulltime housewife.

Kenapa? Well, sebenernya tahun ini saya akan melanjutkan sekolah untuk program Master of Global Affairs selama dua tahun di Munk School, University of Toronto, Canada. Rencananya, sebelum kelas dimulai di bulan September lalu, saya mau mengikuti suami saya ke Dhaka, Bangladesh untuk beberapa bulan. Tetapi saya terpaksa harus menunda program tersebut karena saya hamil dengan due date 10 January 2017.

Enggak dapat dipungkiri bahwa sebenarnya banyak perempuan hamil yang masih dapat meneruskan sekolah atau pekerjaan selama musim dingin di belahan bumi utara sana. Tetapi saya memilih untuk mundur kali ini. Kenapa? Well, pertama sebagai first time mom,  I don’t know what to expect during the pregnancy dan saya akan sendirian karena suaminya bertugas di negara lain; bayi akan lahir di musim dingin dan I hate winter, the temperature is unbearable for me; dan yang terakhir saya khawatir saya enggak akan fokus dengan kuliah saya karena dua hal tersebut. Dengan berbagai pertimbangan tersebut, saya memutuskan untuk mengirimkan deferral request email ke mereka. Thanks God, they approved.

So now, what am I going to do in Bangladesh? A new country which I don’t speak its language and can hardly understand its alphabet. Saya mulai stressed. Ada yang bilang “Ya udah sih, mendingan kamu belajar menerima hal tersebut dan nikmatin aja.” atau ada yang bilang “Kamu sih enak, walaupun jobless setidaknya enggak moneyless.” Well, setiap orang kan berbeda-beda. Saya enggak setuju dengan pendapat tersebut. Kenapa? Karena saya belum memenuhi dua kebutuhan dasar saya sebagai manusia sebagaimana dikemukakan oleh Abraham Maslow, yakni ego/harga diri (esteem) dan aktualisasi diri (self-actualization).

Lagipula, apakah hidup ini hanya melulu tentang uang saja? Uang memang penting apalagi kita enggak akan pernah tahu akan apa yang terjadi suatu hari nanti, tetapi saya menyadari bahwa uang enggak membawa kebahagiaan. I can say this because I have been there. Rocking a lot of the high-end fashion designers stuffs and eating in fancy restaurants/bars, yet I was not happy. It does not mean that I don’t like beautiful things anymore but I value things differently. Dan bisa saya bilang, memang jauh lebih menyenangkan apabila kita membeli sesuatu dengan keringat kita sendiri.

Lagipula, sebagai perempuan Indonesia yang melakukan kawin campur, stigma ‘numpang hidup sama mister‘ akan terus melekat pada mereka kecuali mereka bekerja. Lha wong sudah bekerja keras saja masih dilabeli numpang hidup sama mister kok tapi ya itulah manusia.

Saya jadi ingat kata-kata Bapak saya: rumah tangga itu bagaikan gerobak yang ditarik kerbau di mana gerobak akan bergerak lebih cepat jika ditarik oleh dua ekor kerbau ketimbang satu ekor. Selain itu, ketika salah satu kerbau tersebut sakit atau mati, gerobak masih tetap bisa dijalankan meskipun dengan seekor kerbau saja. Dan saya teringat oleh kata-kata tersebut sampai sekarang.

Jujur saja, sita-cita saya, saya enggak cuma bekerja hanya demi uang tanpa menikmati apa yang saya lakukan. Saya ingin mendapatkan pelajaran dari pekerjaan tersebut juga. Dengan begitu, saya akan terus merasa tertantang untuk terus meningkatkan pekerjaan saya dan pengetahuan saya akan sesuatu. Dan tentu saja dengan harapan enggak mengecewakan perusahaan. Selain itu, saya ingin bisa memberikan manfaat terhadap orang lain. Mungkin saya terlalu optimistis, saya lebih memilih untuk bercita-cita tinggi dan terus belajar untuk menggapainya. There is nothing impossible.

Tetapi kali ini, saya harus mengalah untuk sementara hingga saya melahirkan dan mengisi waktu luang saya dengan membaca buku, mendengarkan kuliah umum dari universitas terkemuka melalui podcast, membuat catatan dari kuliah umum dan buku yang saya baca tersebut, olah raga dan belajar memasak. Dengan demikian, saya terus dapat mengekspresikan diri meskipun secara terbatas. Lha wong Mbah Lindu yang sudah 96 tahun saja masih mengekspresikan dirinya kok, masa saya enggak.

Tentu saja ini adalah sebuah pilihan dan setiap orang memiliki prioritas yang berbeda-beda, ada yang memilih jadi fulltime housewife, ada yang memilih untuk terus bekerja, yang penting selama kita bahagia dengan pilihan tersebut, kenapa tidak? Ya toh?

signature

Notes: Let ‘Em Talk!

ORG__DSC5664

As I scrolled down my Facebook’s newsfeed, I came across to an article by The Guardian on a Philadelphia born model Amber Rose titled “Amber Rose interview: Even when I was a virgin, I was called a slut“. I must say that I have been admiring her spirit, I have also been listening to her interviews and following her Instagram as well as Twitter account to understand her perspective on women’s world, as a result, I immediately read the article because I think that Amber is an awesome woman who is outspoken about woman issue. So, I assumed that this article would be worth reading.

As I finished reading the last sentence, this article got me thinking about my personal experience. As time passes, we grew up, we learnt and we choose our own value of life. However, everything that we do, it often becomes the subject of discussion for others.

Why? First of all, because they have nothing else to talk about. Secondly, that is how society taught us. Our society constructs standard what we can and cannot do, the standard of what is right and what is wrong. I would understand that those standards are constructed based on scientific research with sufficient evidence but when it is based on morality, it is very subjective.

In my own experience, I have been called slut or gold digger even right in front of my face over and over again. It still happens until today sometimes. At first, I felt hurt but I grow thick skin by now. At least, I do something real and some (or many) recognise it.

So, if I may say….. do whatever you want to do as long as you do not hurt other people, as long as you are being responsible about it. Never do something just to please others while you are suffering from it.

You Never Miss What You Had Until It’s Gone

ORG__DSC6329It was 10:06 p.m. when I stepped into the house last night. I just got home from watching the premiere of Indonesian film “A Copy of My Mind” at 2015 Toronto International Film Festival. I felt restless and extremely exhausted. All I thought about was good night sleep. After I finished the shower and got ready to bed, I heard my phone beeping. It was from a good friend of mine. Yet, I did not answer his message until I woke up this morning.

Beb,” my friend wrote.

Yes,” I answered.

“I want to break up (with my lover). I’m a sex addict and he said to me that if I slept with other guys, we’re done” My friend wrote.

“Well, if it is the best for you then go ahead. But remember, we have a certain condition that everybody cannot just accept it easily. Unless you enjoy being alone and do not need or want to have somebody to come home to or make you feel complete, then you should break up and continue the adventure.” I went on,

“At the end, casual sex only gives us temporary happiness and temporary sense of acceptance. Those hot, rich and handsome guys normally give no shit about us at all. As soon as they’re done, they are just gonna go.” I continued.

“So I think, we have to ask to ourselves ‘Why do we want to trade one great guy with a beautiful personality and most importantly loves us so much, who also can accept us the way we are, with those dickheads? What are we looking for?’. As they say ‘You never miss what you had until it’s gone.'” I said.

True,” he answered.

Sometimes we just take our lives for granted until we lose everything and regret it. When it is gone, it is gone.

PS: This writing was inspired by my conversation with a good friend of mine. Of course, I shared this story with my friend’s permission.

Notes: My Reality

DSCF1622When I write, I do not need to present a picture-perfect of life. My writing is often close to telling the truth.  I am just trying to speak the truth about things that affect me, about things that happen in our society. My writing is written with my perspective as watcher as well as a doer.

You know… I also often consider that my writing is often very spiritual because it is all about emotion, it is all about life. It is because I just try to reveal myself, tell my personal own problem and even lay all my deepest darkest secret because they are part of reality. It is my own reality, which sometimes can better or even worse than yours.

Yes, I choose to present the reality of life. I know that sometimes reality is bitter and painful but that is real life. As a result, I do expect no controversy because controversy is the beginning of the public discussion, which helps to understand life better.

Notes: Why Am I Blogging?

e44c7025-693d-4983-8cf2-a6dcbbb37b28Perhaps some of you wonder why I like to share my personal problem in social media, i.e blog. Well, I am the type of person who I always have a reason why I do thing things whether why I shave my hair off, why I go to the gym or even why I blog about my personal life.

So why do I blog about my personal life? Once I read a blog post saying that writing a journal would help our personal growth and development because it would give us an insight into our behaviour and moods. I kind of agree with that statement, especially I have been writing a personal diary since I was a little girl and have been blogging since I was 16. I found that writing a journal would help me to reflect on my life especially everything that I have been going through. On top of that, I also can review the improvement of my writing skill and my vocabulary bank.

But I must say that I am not kind of person who likes to share my problem with my friend.  It is not because I don’t trust them to keep my secret but I tend to not believe or trust their judgement. Not saying that they are wrong, it is just ….. their judgement tends to lead me to further confusion.

And the most annoying part of it is people would start being judgmental and telling you how wrong or even how stupid you are without understanding the circumstance. They would even start telling you that “you should not have done this and that… and bla bla bla

Oh well… I guess it is our problem, we tend to listen to respond than listen to understand why the thing is going wrong with somebody’s else life. Am I right?

And those are the last thing that I want to hear from others especially when I know very well that they are not in my shoes.  Yet, sometimes …. I still have a discussion with my friends also about my problem but not to seek for advice.

So what should I do if I need some advice? As I love reading the book and listening to music, I always would seek some advice from an inspirational book or inspirational songs. It helps me to reflect on my problem. Other than that, they would never judge me but tend to give me a wiser suggestion. That’s the best thing about it! Try it!

So that’s why I rather share my burden by blogging than talking to friends because I want to protect my feeling, to protect my heart and to prevent me from bad influences from others. But as humanely as possible,  I am trying my best to not posting a harmful or sensitive blog anyhow. So bear with me readers….

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy my blog!

 

Jakarta: Are Human Beings Less Valuable than Money?

SONY DSCSince I moved to Jakarta for the very first time, I always become very sensitive with the money issue. It is because I feel that we, as a human being, as a social being, are often being appreciated and valued according to the money that we have by others. It is very different comparing the time when I lived in Yogyakarta, my hometown.

Here in Jakarta, we tend to be appreciated and valued according to the money that we have, the money that we wear, the money that we live, the money that we drive, the money that we eat and the money that we earn. It makes us, as a human being and social being is less valuable than others unless they have money.

No wonder… there is much corruption in every institution, be it government institution or private company. It has become a social disease because people value others according to the money that we have, the money that we wear. No wonder… there are many women look for a rich man to keep up with the ‘social requirement’ so they can be accepted. There are many men look for a rich vulnerable woman to get money from them so they can keep up with their lifestyle even they cannot afford it. I don’t mean to judge but people try to do anything to generate a lot of money without using a ‘normal process’.

I used to be terrified with it. Honestly, I was… I used to think what about if I don’t have a friend here because I don’t have money? What about if this…? What about that…? But as time passed by… I realised that I should not have cared about how people value me, how people judge me, how people think about me. It is because others will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you have. They will ask for more and more and more.

For this… I blamed it to the media and business corporation, which try to brainwash people’s mindset with material stuff on a daily basis through news, song, film, advertising, magazine and books. They try to decide the definition of beauty for its audience so the audience, which is us, are buying their shit to meet up with the social requirement. Good job!

If we cannot afford it, we will force ourselves to get it by using credit card that we cannot pay every month; by committing  into a corruption be it small or big; by marrying or dating a rich man or woman; by exploiting other to work hard and earning money; or even by stealing. There are just many methods that people do to make money simply because they want to meet up with the ‘social requirement’, which has been shaped by the media.

In the end, we value ourself less, we don’t appreciate our own hard work. Yet, it is not done everyone and I cannot generalise it. I really feel sick with it. I know it does not only happen in Jakarta but in the majority of a big city and metropolitan city. Yet, as I am living here… I just want to share my thought about this issue in Jakarta.

Oh Jakarta…. would you be less arrogant? I love living here because I love my job but ‘those social requirement’ and ‘those definitions of beauty’, which have been implemented by many business sectors, have forced its citizen to be fake individual. I feel like living in a fake world.

PS: This is my personal reflection, you can agree or disagree 🙂

 

Notes: Two Side Of A Coin

Somebody asked me “Aren’t you feeling ashamed to air your dirty laundry here?” So I answered “I often display the beautiful part of my life, today I air my dirty laundry at the same place. Why? Because I just wanna be a real person, there are two sides of a coin. Right?

signature

Wardrobe: Warm Sunday

Sunday Service's Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Sunday Service’s Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Hi readers…. it’s Sunday again! The weather has not been really friendly to the Jakartans in these last few days. It has been raining heavily nearly every night. Just like early last year, Jakarta is flooding again. Thankfully I am living in Southern Jakarta, where the heavy rain rarely caused flood in these area.

Despite the fact it was dark yet cloudy, I tried to have fun on Sunday by going to church and lunch with my Heirwid and Chacky. You might ask yourself “What kind of fun does she have in the church? Have fun in the church? That sounds weird!”

Well if you watched Sex and The City sit-com, you might still remember what Carrie said about church and fashion when she saw Mr. Big at the church with his mom.

She said “As I watched people leaving church, I was amazed at how they looked. Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la Renta. What is it about God and fashion that go so well together?And suddenly, there he was wearing Armani on Sunday.

So here I was wearing something  quite different today. I wore something, which is elegantly warm and sexy (at least that’s what I think). Somehow I love the look of myself.

Honestly I haven’t been taking care of myself since November because of stress. I got some complaints from some of my friends that I didn’t look well because I didn’t take care myself well, didn’t cut my hair or even facial. And here I am getting back on my feet again. What do you think?

Ride the bus

Notes: Negative Mindset

Negative Mindset Tends to Corrupt My Life [2013: E N U]

Negative Mindset Tends to Corrupt My Life [2013: E N U]

Life has been extremely hard for me in these last few months. Instead of getting better each month, life seems getting harder and worse. I tried to be strong and believe that everything was okay and would get better sooner than later. But no it did not. It got worse and I could not deal with it well. But was it me unable to deal it well or was it just my negative mindset?

Wait…. that’s what I just discovered! Whether were I really unable to deal with the current life situation well or was it just my negative mindset?

Well let me tell you something, I always said to myself that I must always remove my negative thinking when I have/want/need to do something. No matter how difficult my task is… I MUST NOT say that I CANNOT. Instead I MUST say that I CAN. If I have belief in myself that I can do it, surely I will be able to finish any task, which is given to me. Why did I say that?

Few years ago when I was working for an english newspaper, I was asked to write four stories. It was 2 p.m and the deadline was at 7 p.m. I could not say NO and I would not say No. Instead I said yes. I said to myself that I CAN finish it and I WILL finish it. Even though I didn’t meet the deadline on time, I was able to finish and submit all the stories. I was relieved.  I was happy knowing that I had the ability to do it.

Somehow when I worked on those article, I felt no burden at all. Instead I was enjoying it. But here was the key, I believed that I would not do anything properly without God’s help. (I know I might sound so religious but that’s what I believe : ). I believe in God’s grace).

So as I reflected into my current life’s situation and how I dealt with it, I just felt that the negativity has corrupted my life. It was just a constant complaint.  I always said to myself how unhappy I am, how stressful my life is, how difficult my life is, how hard my life is, etc etc etc. Yes perhaps I am unhappy with the current situation but shouldn’t I just consider it as a test from God?

Well I often said to myself that this difficult life would be just temporary, it wouldn’t stay forever as what Saint Paul said There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

And again Jesus also said “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27)

So why couldn’t I deal with my current life situation well? I think it is because I was surrounded by people with negative thinking and somehow it effected to me. No I did not mean to blame anyone here. But now I learnt whenever all those negative opinion comes closer to me, it is better for me to walk away or close my ears to ignore it.

It all comes down to our mindset. If we have a positive mindset, we would deal with difficulty positively, led us to positive attitude and finally we would not feel that we carry a heavy burden. But if we have a negative mindset, we would deal with difficulty with negative attitude, give us frustration and and life getting  hard for us everyday.

I am glad that I have been introduced to God since I was child through Catholic belief. Even though there was a stage of life when I did not want to be tied to any religion but still believed in God, I just found that religious value has taught me something which gives me peace of mind.

Instead of running to alcohol or nicotine  when I got upset (I used to drink a lot but was not an alcoholic, just a cocktail lover. And I knew I smoked few days ago but I rarely did it), I just picked my bible and read it. It might not give me a solution right away but it gives me peace of mind. And that’s all I need.

For me, life is about constant reflection. Perhaps some people might think that I am drama queen or melancholic bitch whenever I share my problem or point of view of life in my blog but I don’t really care anyway. This is how the way I live my life.

And  I just realized that God actually has answered my prayers. Even though it was not a jackpot but God has provided a lot of good things to me during this trial of life.  It might not be the best  but God always provided for us.

Sometimes we just have to appreciate the small stuff because we are blessed more than we realize. I just believed that God would answer my prayers in His own time in His own way.

Have a blessed Sunday readers!
Ride the bus

Notes: Drowning

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

It’s 3:16 am. I am sitting here alone with a cup of warm tea. Sick and stressed out. I invited nicotine  to be with me tonight. Alone. Lonely. I am drowning to the sounding of mosque prayer calls. Just don’t know what to say. Just don’t know what to do. 

This burden gets heavier each day. Thought that I have been loved. Thought that I have been everybody best friend. But here I am sitting here alone. No lover. No family. No friend. Just myself. Again… I just don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to do.

Somehow I  realized that I cannot force other people to love me the way I expected them to. I cannot force other people to accept me the way I wanted them to. But then again, they are not responsible for my happiness but I am. From now on, I have to learn how to be on my own and be happy with it.

God…. I just need somebody to lean on… but I know that I only can count on You. I am sitting here alone, trying to keep smiling but drowning on my own misery. Ha ha ha  I am laughing at myself. Perhaps I’ve been cursed, I said to myself. What a miserable bitch I am sometimes

Jakarta, 5 December 2013

signature