Notes: Escape

“I said to myself that I wanted to escape from Jakarta at the end of 2014. I would go anywhere as long as I am not in Jakarta, not even in Indonesia. My mind and my heart were never at peace. All I had in mind was leaving Jakarta to escape from all the bad experiences. Alone. Far away from home. For a little while. Finally, I had the opportunity to do so, studying in North America for a while. Alone. Far away from home.

While waiting for my departure, I tried to keep myself busy. I tried to run faster and further.  I tried to get the best rest with the help of some medication. Meanwhile, when I was awake, I tried to work out before I did my activities. At the same time, I tried building a high rise fort around me so I could keep my distance from people. I run. I worked. I read. I exercised. I slept. I avoided meeting people. I turned out to be a real loner and cold-hearted.

Some said that my routine was not normal. I woke up at 2 or 3 a.m, wrote, run, gym, worked and fell asleep by 7 pm. I didn’t care what people said. In my defence, I just tried to get myself together. I tried to love myself.

I thought I was a success but it seems that I was not. My mind was still troubled, my soul was still screaming and I was still crying. As a result, while I am here, I let myself to be the old me and fell into the ugly me. I wonder if it is because I haven’t forgiven things that happened in the past and used all the activities to cover my sadness? I wonder if it is because I forgot being grateful again. It could be.

Now, another turbulence is approaching again. It is coming closer as time is ticking. I am afraid. I am worried. I am afraid if it’s going to happen again. I heard that tone. My head is spinning around, my heart is pounding so fast, I feel lost. I feel that I don’t know what I have to do. God, I’m lost. I want to escape again.

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