Notes: Drowning

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]
I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]
It’s 3:16 am. I am sitting here alone with a cup of warm tea. Sick and stressed out. I invited nicotine  to be with me tonight. Alone. Lonely. I am drowning to the sounding of mosque prayer calls. Just don’t know what to say. Just don’t know what to do. 

This burden gets heavier each day. Thought that I have been loved. Thought that I have been everybody best friend. But here I am sitting here alone. No lover. No family. No friend. Just myself. Again… I just don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to do.

Somehow I  realized that I cannot force other people to love me the way I expected them to. I cannot force other people to accept me the way I wanted them to. But then again, they are not responsible for my happiness but I am. From now on, I have to learn how to be on my own and be happy with it.

God…. I just need somebody to lean on… but I know that I only can count on You. I am sitting here alone, trying to keep smiling but drowning on my own misery. Ha ha ha  I am laughing at myself. Perhaps I’ve been cursed, I said to myself. What a miserable bitch I am sometimes

Jakarta, 5 December 2013

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