Tag Archives: Life

Notes: Rambling

Been a week since it came back. Been feeling dizzy, losing appetite, finding difficulty in breathing, insomnia and wanting to throwing up all the times. I began to be terrified. I wanted to scream and cry but I hide it as much as I could.

Started to be depressed and angry again. The suicidal thought came back again. I hate the feeling that I am feeling. Wondering what is really happening. But I am too afraid to check it out. Thinking about switching the treatment but I wonder if it would make things better or worse. I don’t know. I am confused. I am afraid.
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Notes: When Faith Turned To Be Fear

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

When I was young, I always thought of myself as a bird. A bird, who loves to spread my wings and learns how to fly so I could see the world. I also always knew that I am fearless. I would take every opportunity, I would take every risk to get everything that I want. I want to be success, I want to be happy.

I have never been afraid of anything. Never afraid of doing something new, of being failed, of losing things or afraid of any human being. No… I have never been afraid because I know that I always have been having faith in myself that I would be able to do things that I want regardless its obstacle.

In 2009, a doctor told me that I might only have another 10 years to live if I did not pay attention of my health by taking medication. Really? Only 10 years and I was 21 years old. I started to have a little fear. Not fear of dying but fear of not being success, fear of not being happy by the time I am gone.

However since I saw my doctor in Singapore, my fear faded away. Continuously I saw the good result of my medication. I was happy. I knew that everything would be alright. I knew that it was a non-sense statement. “How could a doctor tell you when you are going to die?” Just within two year, I completed my medication. I knew I would be alright and have a longer life.

But thing changed. Last Christmas, I was in the hospital. It came back. My faith turned to be fear. I no longer have faith. All I have fear. Fear to not be able to be success. Fear to not be able to be happy.

If the first doctor was true, I would only have another five year left. If I am lucky, I would stay longer but if I am not, I would only have another five year or even less. What would have I done when the time is over? I don’t know

Today is my birthday. I used to always be grateful because I was blessed to be able to new experience in life every year. I was never afraid of getting old. But today, I am upset and afraid because time is ticking and I am counting down my year. And all I know… I just want to be success and I just want to be happy by the time I am gone.

I know I might sound hopeless, coward, ungrateful or whatever you want to call me. But …. reader…. I do not mean to be rude but no I do not need your pity. I do not need you to feel sorry. And I do not even want to read your negative comment or encouraging comment as if you are in my shoes. And yes,  I know that I am not the only one facing what I face in the world. I just want to share my burden. Sometimes some people just want to be listened only when they share their burden. Thank you.

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Photo: Canada in Frame 3

Downtown of Toronto [2014:EO]

Downtown of Toronto [2014:EO]

The Autumn is coming [2014:EO]

The Autumn is coming [2014:EO]

Pipe Organ in St. Paul's Basilica [2014:E O]

Pipe Organ in St. Paul’s Basilica [2014:E O]

Mother Mary and Mister Jesus [2014: EO]

Mother Mary and Mister Jesus [2014: EO]

Sunday Service's Crowd [2014:EO]

Sunday Service’s Crowd [2014:EO]

Toronto's Public Bicycle [2014:EO]

Toronto’s Public Bicycle [2014:EO]

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Toronto’s Bicycle Stand [2014:EO]

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Photo: Canada in Frame 2

My first cup of second cup [2014: EO]

My first cup of second cup [2014: EO]

A Vista of The Bay of Funday [2014:EO]

A Vista of The Bay of Fundy [2014:EO]

Domaine de Grand Pré vineyards, Nova Scotia [2014:EO]

Domaine de Grand Pré vineyards, Nova Scotia [2014:EO]

101 Apple [2014:EO]

101 Apple [2014:EO]

There Is No Such Thing of A Secret Recipe [2014:EO]

There Is No Such Thing of A Secret Recipe [2014:EO]

 

Separated by the Atlantic Ocean [2014:E O]

Separated by the Atlantic Ocean [2014:E O]

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Photo: Canada in Frame

The University of Toronto [2014: EO]

The University of Toronto [2014: EO]

It is just love between two human regardless of gender [2014: EO]

It is just love between two human regardless of gender [2014: EO]

CN Tower from the University of Toronto campus [2014:E O]

CN Tower from the University of Toronto campus [2014:E O]

Sucking Momma Cow's Breast [2014:EO]

Sucking Momma Cow’s Breast [2014:EO]

Church and Wellesley Village, the  LGBT-oriented enclave in Toronto [2014: E O]

Church and Wellesley Village, the LGBT-oriented enclave in Toronto [2014: E O]

Getting ready for Halloween Celebration [2014: E O]

Getting ready for Halloween Celebration [2014: E O]

Maintaining the Tradition [2014: E O]

Maintaining the Tradition [2014: E O]

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Jakarta: Are Human Beings Less Valuable than Money?

Since I moved to Jakarta for the very first time, I always become very sensitive with the money issue. It is because I feel that we, as a human being, as a social being, are often being appreciated and valued according to  the money that we have by others. It is very different comparing the time when I lived in Yogyakarta, my hometown.

We tend to be appreciated and valued according to the money that we have, the money that we wear, the money that we live, the money that we drive, the money that we eat and the money that we earn. It makes us, as a human being and social being, is less valuable than other unless they have money.

No wonder… there are many corruption in every institution, be it government institution or private company. It has become a social disease because people value other according to the money that we have, the money that we wear. No wonder… there are many women look for a rich man to keep up with the ‘social requirement’ so they can be accepted. There are many men look for rich vulnerable woman to get money from them so they can keep up with their lifestyle even they cannot afford it. I don’t mean to judge but people try to do anything to generate a lot of money without using a ‘normal process’.

I used to be terrified with it. Honestly, I was…. I used to think what about if I don’t have friend here because I don’t have money? What about if this…? What about that…? But as time passed by…. I realised that I should not have cared about how people value me, how people judge me, how people think about me. It is because other will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you have. They will ask more and more and more.

For this…. I blamed it to the media and business corporation, which try to brainwash people’s mindset with material stuff on daily basis through news, song, film, advertising, magazine and books. They try to decide the definition of beauty for its audience so the audience, which is us, are buying their shit to meet up with the social requirement. Good job!

If we cannot afford it, we will force ourselves to get it by using credit card that we cannot pay every month; by committing  into a corruption be it small or big; by marrying or dating a rich man or woman; by exploiting other to work hard and earning money; or even by stealing. There are just many methods that people do to make money simply because they want to meet up with the ‘social requirement’, which has been shaped by the media.

In the end, we value ourself less, we don’t appreciate our own hard work. Yet, it is not done everyone and I cannot generalise it. I really feel sick with it. I know it does not only happen in Jakarta but in the majority of big city and metropolitan city. Yet, as I am living here…. I just want to share my thought about this issue in Jakarta.

Oh Jakarta…. would you be less arrogant? I love living here because I love my job but ‘those social requirement’ and ‘those definition of beauty’, which have been implemented by many business sector, have forced its citizen to be fake individual. I feel like living in a fake world.

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Notes: Jealousy

“A lot of times women are intimidated by other women that are pretty or that are successful or that are struck minded and can do their own things; instead of congratulate them ” Remy Ma

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