Tag Archives: Life

Notes: Past is A Teacher of Life

Past is not just a history, it’s not just a memory;

You always said that I have been destroying this relationship;

I looked myself in the mirror;

Yes, I am not a saint;

And yes, I made mistake;

And yes, I have failed many times;

But so have you…. because you started first; 

Frankly, I hate this blaming games;

I stumbled and cried;

My mind went back to the old happy days;

I miss the old us;

the Bonnie and Clyde who always be happy to be around each other;

It seems that the party is over;

Yet no…. I will never let you go;

Your words were never just a history;

I would fight for this relationship;

Because past is not just a history, it is not just a memory;

Past is  a teacher of life.

Jakarta, 27112014

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Notes: Past is Not Just a Memory

Past is not just a memory, it is not just history;

I always remember the first time you asked me to get back together;

Few days  after our first crazy fight when you kicked me out from your house;

I still vividly remembered those days when you knelt down on your knees;

You asking me to stay, asking for forgiveness;

I also still vividly remember you told me that I must fight for this relationship;

if I do really love you and value this relationship;

I have been, I always have been;

Yet, I failed. 

Jakarta, 27112014

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Notes: Past is Not Just a History

Past is not just a history, it is not just a memory;

You and I used to always be happy to be around each other;

Our day was always a party;

Morning and night, we made love passionately;

We shared happiness and sadness on daily basis;

I always viewed us as the happiest couple and so did you always say to me;

I always viewed us as Bonnie and Clyde;

But things changed;

Laughter turned to be screaming and yelling;

happiness turned to be sadness;

Even though love is still here but the party seems to be slowly over….

Jakarta, 27112014

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Catatan: Selingan Indah Keluarga Utuh, Masak?

Benarkan jika saya salah! [2014: E N U]

Benarkan jika saya salah! [2014: E N U]

Benarkan jika saya salah…

Bicara soal perselingkuhan, perselingkuhan sepertinya bukan sesuatu yang asing lagi di jaman modern ini. Perselingkuhan seolah-olah sudah menjadi hal yang biasa bagi semua kalangan masyarakat baik laki-laki maupun perempuan, baik mereka yang hidup di kota maupun di desa, baik bagi si kaya atau si miskin, dan bahkan untuk si terpelajar dan bukan. Baik selebritis, pejabat atau bahkan orang biasa. Atau justru bagi si religius dan si atheis.

Perselingkuhan seolah-olah sudah menjadi obrolan biasa di bar, restaurant atau malah di warteg. Jadi enggak heran lagi kalau isu perselingkuhan juga sudah kerap menjadi headline di berbagai media baik elektronik maupun cetak.

Bahkan…. perselingkuhan seolah sudah menjadi hal yang biasa bagi setiap hubungan, baik bagi mereka yang masih pacaran, baru menikah atau bahkan sudah bertahun-tahun menikah. Hanya karena satu alasan KETIDAKPUASAN. Ketidakpuasan batin, ketidakpuasan seksual dan ketidakpuasan materi. Maklum… manusia selalu tidak puas akan apa yang mereka miliki. Bukankah begitu?

Lucu ya… di jaman yang semakin modern ini dan di jaman yang katanya semakin beradab, kita manusia seolah-olah sudah enggak ada lagi yang peduli soal norma sosial atau norma agama yang mengatur tentang arti sebuah kesetiaan dalam sebuah hubungan. Banyak yang masa bodoh dan cuek dengan yang namanya nilai dan norma. Tapi toh, norma dan nilai juga manusia  sendiri yang membuatnya sehingga membuat kita berbeda dengan binatang. Bukankah begitu?

Namun saya ingin bertanya pada kamu, kamu, kamu, ya aku bertanya pada kalian… dan saya sendiri tentunya tentang  bagaimana bagi perasaan mereka yang menjadi korban perselingkuhan ketika mereka tahu bahwa mereka telah diselingkuhi? Atau bagaimana perasaan mereka yang terjadi menjadi selingkuhan orang yang sudah mempunyai hubungan?  Well… menurut saya yang pasti patah hati tentunya. Marah. Kesal. Namun semuanya itu relatif. Tergantung.

Lalu apa pendapat kamu, kamu dan kalian semua tentang mereka yang berselingkuh? Hummm…. jujur saja, saya enggan untuk menghakimi karena saya sendiri pernah diselingkuhi dan berselingkuh. Saya jadi ingat apa yang dikatakan Mister Jesus dalam injil Yohanes 8 ayat 7 yang selalu saya dengar dalam lagu Get Back Up oleh T.I. Mas Jesus mengatakan “Let he without sin cast the stone first The sinner or the one who judged him, who was wrong first?

Maaf bukan bermaksud menjustifikasi perselingkuhan tapi bagi saya enggak ada untungnya menghakimi mereka yang melakukan kesalahan karena mereka punya alasan masing-masing. Lagian kita toh belum tentu sempurna.

By the way, perselingkuhan sepertinya sudah terjadi sejak jaman dahulu di setiap peradaban. Lagian, apa artinya kesetiaan tanpa kebahagiaan? Makanya manusia berselingkuh. Bukankah begitu? Well, benarkan jika saya salah…

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Notes: Rambling

Been a week since it came back. Been feeling dizzy, losing appetite, finding difficulty in breathing, insomnia and wanting to throwing up all the times. I began to be terrified. I wanted to scream and cry but I hide it as much as I could.

Started to be depressed and angry again. The suicidal thought came back again. I hate the feeling that I am feeling. Wondering what is really happening. But I am too afraid to check it out. Thinking about switching the treatment but I wonder if it would make things better or worse. I don’t know. I am confused. I am afraid.
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Notes: When Faith Turned To Be Fear

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

When I was young, I always thought of myself as a bird. A bird, who loves to spread my wings and learns how to fly so I could see the world. I also always knew that I am fearless. I would take every opportunity, I would take every risk to get everything that I want. I want to be success, I want to be happy.

I have never been afraid of anything. Never afraid of doing something new, of being failed, of losing things or afraid of any human being. No… I have never been afraid because I know that I always have been having faith in myself that I would be able to do things that I want regardless its obstacle.

In 2009, a doctor told me that I might only have another 10 years to live if I did not pay attention of my health by taking medication. Really? Only 10 years and I was 21 years old. I started to have a little fear. Not fear of dying but fear of not being success, fear of not being happy by the time I am gone.

However since I saw my doctor in Singapore, my fear faded away. Continuously I saw the good result of my medication. I was happy. I knew that everything would be alright. I knew that it was a non-sense statement. “How could a doctor tell you when you are going to die?” Just within two year, I completed my medication. I knew I would be alright and have a longer life.

But thing changed. Last Christmas, I was in the hospital. It came back. My faith turned to be fear. I no longer have faith. All I have fear. Fear to not be able to be success. Fear to not be able to be happy.

If the first doctor was true, I would only have another five year left. If I am lucky, I would stay longer but if I am not, I would only have another five year or even less. What would have I done when the time is over? I don’t know

Today is my birthday. I used to always be grateful because I was blessed to be able to new experience in life every year. I was never afraid of getting old. But today, I am upset and afraid because time is ticking and I am counting down my year. And all I know… I just want to be success and I just want to be happy by the time I am gone.

I know I might sound hopeless, coward, ungrateful or whatever you want to call me. But …. reader…. I do not mean to be rude but no I do not need your pity. I do not need you to feel sorry. And I do not even want to read your negative comment or encouraging comment as if you are in my shoes. And yes,  I know that I am not the only one facing what I face in the world. I just want to share my burden. Sometimes some people just want to be listened only when they share their burden. Thank you.

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Photo: Canada in Frame 3

Downtown of Toronto [2014:EO]

Downtown of Toronto [2014:EO]

The Autumn is coming [2014:EO]

The Autumn is coming [2014:EO]

Pipe Organ in St. Paul's Basilica [2014:E O]

Pipe Organ in St. Paul’s Basilica [2014:E O]

Mother Mary and Mister Jesus [2014: EO]

Mother Mary and Mister Jesus [2014: EO]

Sunday Service's Crowd [2014:EO]

Sunday Service’s Crowd [2014:EO]

Toronto's Public Bicycle [2014:EO]

Toronto’s Public Bicycle [2014:EO]

IMG_9171

Toronto’s Bicycle Stand [2014:EO]

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