When it comes to family memories, I do not really have so much interesting family memories to talk about, or to reminiscence, or just to remember. It is not that I come from a broken family. We just did not do much of family stuff together. Not even just an ordinary family dinner, summer holiday or going to a bookstore on the weekend.
Yet, I cannot blame my parents because they spent most of the time working their ass off to provide an adequate living and best education, which I am totally grateful for. Those (adequate living and best education) are the best legacy that they have given to me for my future so I can be successful and most importantly be A GOOD PERSON in my society. They are indeed great parents for me.
However I don’t want my kids to have similar experience as me. I don’t want my kids to not have one of their parents dropping them to school or I don’t want my kids to not be able to spend minimum of an hour with both their father and mother having an ordinary dinner with a fruitful conversation at home -where I would cook, my husband helping me to make up the table and clean up the dishes-. I don’t want my kids to have no good memories about their parents and their family. I don’t want that.
Few years ago, I had an interesting conversation with one of my acquaintance. He said to me that it is hard to be a parent. Being a parent comes with many responsibilities. In order to fulfill the responsibilities, he has to travel around the world to make money.
Yet, few months ago, he said to me that he lost track because he has been having an affair with another woman. He has forgotten to fulfill his responsibility as a father and as a husband. He sounded so guilty and wanted to make up to his family for “the losing time”.
The phrase of ‘the losing time’ reminded me of how awful it is to not be able to have a wonderful childhood memories with parents. It does not feel great at all. As a result, I don’t have a great attachment with my family at all. I have been always trying to figure out life by myself since I was 18 years old with not much of family support.
Sometimes it feels so painful whenever I think about it. But again I wouldn’t complain. Why? It is because I am just extremely so blessed! By the God’s grace I can make my own way to be where I wanted to be right now. And definitely, I would continue my journey with the grace of God also.
As a married woman, I must say that it is not easy at all to build a perfect family. It is not. It is not easy at all. A family is built by two individuals. The two individuals would always have a lot of differences including cultural differences, educational differences, social value difference, etc.
And it is not easy at all to unite all those differences. Despite the fact the two individuals are loving each other, love alone is not enough to unite those two individuals and make them to be happy together.
For me, a happy relationship/marriage and family requires more than just love. It requires RESPECT, HONESTY, SACRIFICE, APPRECIATION and also UNDERSTANDING. Without all of those points, love would fail to achieve a happy family or a happy relationship. Even love can lead to unhappiness, especially when we use so much of our feeling or heart.
While I am writing this blog, I might not yet be anywhere close to success in building a happy family or stay in a perfect relationship. I have failed many times. We have failed many times. We were even nearly close to an end anyhow. Why? It is because there was lack of understanding, respect and sacrifice within us.
I would not blame anyone for this failure. I was so selfish and I am still selfish. I am still overly busy chasing my own professional dream than building my own family. However I realize that I need to change.
When an individual get married is no longer about ME, ME and ME. It is about YOU, ME and US. That is what I failed to understand when I got married at the first place. I had no idea of what the concept of family value is, I had no idea how the family should be built because I learnt nothing about it when I was a child.
And because of my adventurous life, I used to think that a marriage is just another step of a relationship. It is just a legal status. In the end of the day, I am still a free person. But I was wrong. I forgot all things, which would come along with it. It is not that I did not know what I wanted, I was just so young when I got married. So what can I say? However as time passed by I have been learning that things need to be changed.
In these last few weeks, I have been thinking, reflecting about what a family is and how a family should be. I have been seeing photo stream of the so-call-happy family (who knows whatever happened behind the frame?) on social media. I have been having a lot of discussion about a family and its problem with friends and acquaintances. I have seen how many of good friends of mine changing as soon as they become moms. I had a wonderful experience of a family moment when I was in North America. It all gives me insight.
As a conclusion, I want to be able to provide REAL and wonderful family memories for my children in the near future. Yet, I imagine it is not easy.
There are so many artificial relationship and marriage out there. Some couple stay in a marriage because we want to make other people happy. Or some stay in a marriage or relationship because of the kids. Or some stay in a marriage because of the job promotion, etc.
At the end, some men would cheat on their wife and vice versa. They claimed that they have their own reason to do so without realizing the long term effect of it for ourselves and people around us. Some people deny, some would admit it publicly. Yet, there is often a silent agreement between the two. There would always a way to justify their actions. But that is not what I want. It is not healthy. It is not real.
A couple weeks ago, I had a fruitful conversation with my best friend over lychee martini in Bali. “When you have a relationship with a married man but you don’t know that he is married, it does not make you to be a bad person,” she went on.
“But if you know that he is married and you are in relationship with him, you are a bad person. Regardless how unhappy their relationship is and they are still married, you should not be with the man. It makes you to be A BAD PERSON, for sure,” she said to me.
Her sentence hit my head. I agree with her. It reminded me of what Eddie Griffin said in one of Dr Dre record’s Ed-ucation.
“Biggest hoes, on planet Earth…. are walking through the mothafuckin neighborhood. You KNEW when you got with the n*gga he already had a woman. You knew he already had a family but you fucked him anyway! Why? You were just a dumb bitch, trying to keep, a n*gga that you wanted”
And that is the last thing I want to be. That is the last thing that I want to happen to my family. I don’t want to be a BAD PERSON. I don’t want to be a third party in anyone’s family and I don’t want a third party coming to my family. A third party would give you a temporary happiness and ruin the basic foundation to build a real family.
Even though it is hard to build a family, a happy family, a REAL family; you would have it if you work for it with RESPECT, HONESTY, SACRIFICE, APPRECIATION and also UNDERSTANDING.
I, myself, want to live a real life. I want to have a real family. I want to get old and grey with the man, whom once I loved and made a vow to. I want to make sure that they would have a real happiness from their parents, who loves each other, respect each other, being honest to each other, understand each other and appreciate each other. That is all I want.