Tag Archives: Diary

Notes: Why Am I Blogging?

Perhaps some of you wonder why I like to share my personal problem in social media, i.e blog. Well, I am type of person who like to do thing for a cause. I always have a reason why I do thing things whether why I shave my hair off, why I go to gym or even why I blog about my personal life.

So why do I blog about my personal life? Once I read a blog post saying that writing a journal would help our personal growth and development because it would give us an insight about our behavior and moods. I kinda agree with that statement especially I have been writing personal diary since I was little girl and have been blogging since I was 16. I found that writing a journal would help me to reflect about my life especially everything what I have been going through. On the top of that, I also can review the improvement of my writing skill and my vocabulary bank.

But I must say that I am not kind of person who like to share my problem with my friend.  It is not because I don’t trust them to keep my secret but I tend to not believe or trust their judgement. Not saying that they are wrong, it is just ….. their judgement tend to lead me to further confusion.

And the most annoying part  of it is people would start being judgmental and telling you how wrong or even how stupid you are without understanding the circumstance. They would even start telling you that “you should not have done this and that… and bla bla bla

Oh well…. I guess it is our problem, we tend to listen to respond than listen to understand why thing is going wrong with somebody’s else life. Am I right?

And those are the last thing that I want to hear from other especially when I know very well that  they are not in my shoes.  Yet, sometimes …. I still have a discussion with my friends also about my problem  but not to seek for advice.

So what should I do if I need some advice? As I love reading book and listening to the music, I always would seek for some advice from inspirational book or inspirational songs. It helps me to reflect about my problem. Other than that, they would never judge me but  tend to give me a wiser suggestion. That’s the best thing of it! Try it!

So that’s why I rather to share my burden by blogging than talking to friends because I want to protect my feeling, to protect my heart and to prevent me from bad influences from other. But as humanly as possible,  I am trying my best to be post harmful or sensitive blog anyhow. So bear with me readers….

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy my blog!

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Notes: Past is A Teacher of Life

Past is not just a history, it’s not just a memory;

You always said that I have been destroying this relationship;

I looked myself in the mirror;

Yes, I am not a saint;

And yes, I made mistake;

And yes, I have failed many times;

But so have you…. because you started first; 

Frankly, I hate this blaming games;

I stumbled and cried;

My mind went back to the old happy days;

I miss the old us;

the Bonnie and Clyde who always be happy to be around each other;

It seems that the party is over;

Yet no…. I will never let you go;

Your words were never just a history;

I would fight for this relationship;

Because past is not just a history, it is not just a memory;

Past is  a teacher of life.

Jakarta, 27112014

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Catatan: Selingan Indah Keluarga Utuh, Masak?

Benarkan jika saya salah! [2014: E N U]

Benarkan jika saya salah! [2014: E N U]

Benarkan jika saya salah…

Bicara soal perselingkuhan, perselingkuhan sepertinya bukan sesuatu yang asing lagi di jaman modern ini. Perselingkuhan seolah-olah sudah menjadi hal yang biasa bagi semua kalangan masyarakat baik laki-laki maupun perempuan, baik mereka yang hidup di kota maupun di desa, baik bagi si kaya atau si miskin, dan bahkan untuk si terpelajar dan bukan. Baik selebritis, pejabat atau bahkan orang biasa. Atau justru bagi si religius dan si atheis.

Perselingkuhan seolah-olah sudah menjadi obrolan biasa di bar, restaurant atau malah di warteg. Jadi enggak heran lagi kalau isu perselingkuhan juga sudah kerap menjadi headline di berbagai media baik elektronik maupun cetak.

Bahkan…. perselingkuhan seolah sudah menjadi hal yang biasa bagi setiap hubungan, baik bagi mereka yang masih pacaran, baru menikah atau bahkan sudah bertahun-tahun menikah. Hanya karena satu alasan KETIDAKPUASAN. Ketidakpuasan batin, ketidakpuasan seksual dan ketidakpuasan materi. Maklum… manusia selalu tidak puas akan apa yang mereka miliki. Bukankah begitu?

Lucu ya… di jaman yang semakin modern ini dan di jaman yang katanya semakin beradab, kita manusia seolah-olah sudah enggak ada lagi yang peduli soal norma sosial atau norma agama yang mengatur tentang arti sebuah kesetiaan dalam sebuah hubungan. Banyak yang masa bodoh dan cuek dengan yang namanya nilai dan norma. Tapi toh, norma dan nilai juga manusia  sendiri yang membuatnya sehingga membuat kita berbeda dengan binatang. Bukankah begitu?

Namun saya ingin bertanya pada kamu, kamu, kamu, ya aku bertanya pada kalian… dan saya sendiri tentunya tentang  bagaimana bagi perasaan mereka yang menjadi korban perselingkuhan ketika mereka tahu bahwa mereka telah diselingkuhi? Atau bagaimana perasaan mereka yang terjadi menjadi selingkuhan orang yang sudah mempunyai hubungan?  Well… menurut saya yang pasti patah hati tentunya. Marah. Kesal. Namun semuanya itu relatif. Tergantung.

Lalu apa pendapat kamu, kamu dan kalian semua tentang mereka yang berselingkuh? Hummm…. jujur saja, saya enggan untuk menghakimi karena saya sendiri pernah diselingkuhi dan berselingkuh. Saya jadi ingat apa yang dikatakan Mister Jesus dalam injil Yohanes 8 ayat 7 yang selalu saya dengar dalam lagu Get Back Up oleh T.I. Mas Jesus mengatakan “Let he without sin cast the stone first The sinner or the one who judged him, who was wrong first?

Maaf bukan bermaksud menjustifikasi perselingkuhan tapi bagi saya enggak ada untungnya menghakimi mereka yang melakukan kesalahan karena mereka punya alasan masing-masing. Lagian kita toh belum tentu sempurna.

By the way, perselingkuhan sepertinya sudah terjadi sejak jaman dahulu di setiap peradaban. Lagian, apa artinya kesetiaan tanpa kebahagiaan? Makanya manusia berselingkuh. Bukankah begitu? Well, benarkan jika saya salah…

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Notes: Rambling

Been a week since it came back. Been feeling dizzy, losing appetite, finding difficulty in breathing, insomnia and wanting to throwing up all the times. I began to be terrified. I wanted to scream and cry but I hide it as much as I could.

Started to be depressed and angry again. The suicidal thought came back again. I hate the feeling that I am feeling. Wondering what is really happening. But I am too afraid to check it out. Thinking about switching the treatment but I wonder if it would make things better or worse. I don’t know. I am confused. I am afraid.
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Notes: When Faith Turned To Be Fear

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

When I was young, I always thought of myself as a bird. A bird, who loves to spread my wings and learns how to fly so I could see the world. I also always knew that I am fearless. I would take every opportunity, I would take every risk to get everything that I want. I want to be success, I want to be happy.

I have never been afraid of anything. Never afraid of doing something new, of being failed, of losing things or afraid of any human being. No… I have never been afraid because I know that I always have been having faith in myself that I would be able to do things that I want regardless its obstacle.

In 2009, a doctor told me that I might only have another 10 years to live if I did not pay attention of my health by taking medication. Really? Only 10 years and I was 21 years old. I started to have a little fear. Not fear of dying but fear of not being success, fear of not being happy by the time I am gone.

However since I saw my doctor in Singapore, my fear faded away. Continuously I saw the good result of my medication. I was happy. I knew that everything would be alright. I knew that it was a non-sense statement. “How could a doctor tell you when you are going to die?” Just within two year, I completed my medication. I knew I would be alright and have a longer life.

But thing changed. Last Christmas, I was in the hospital. It came back. My faith turned to be fear. I no longer have faith. All I have fear. Fear to not be able to be success. Fear to not be able to be happy.

If the first doctor was true, I would only have another five year left. If I am lucky, I would stay longer but if I am not, I would only have another five year or even less. What would have I done when the time is over? I don’t know

Today is my birthday. I used to always be grateful because I was blessed to be able to new experience in life every year. I was never afraid of getting old. But today, I am upset and afraid because time is ticking and I am counting down my year. And all I know… I just want to be success and I just want to be happy by the time I am gone.

I know I might sound hopeless, coward, ungrateful or whatever you want to call me. But …. reader…. I do not mean to be rude but no I do not need your pity. I do not need you to feel sorry. And I do not even want to read your negative comment or encouraging comment as if you are in my shoes. And yes,  I know that I am not the only one facing what I face in the world. I just want to share my burden. Sometimes some people just want to be listened only when they share their burden. Thank you.

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Jakarta: Are Human Beings Less Valuable than Money?

Since I moved to Jakarta for the very first time, I always become very sensitive with the money issue. It is because I feel that we, as a human being, as a social being, are often being appreciated and valued according to  the money that we have by others. It is very different comparing the time when I lived in Yogyakarta, my hometown.

We tend to be appreciated and valued according to the money that we have, the money that we wear, the money that we live, the money that we drive, the money that we eat and the money that we earn. It makes us, as a human being and social being, is less valuable than other unless they have money.

No wonder… there are many corruption in every institution, be it government institution or private company. It has become a social disease because people value other according to the money that we have, the money that we wear. No wonder… there are many women look for a rich man to keep up with the ‘social requirement’ so they can be accepted. There are many men look for rich vulnerable woman to get money from them so they can keep up with their lifestyle even they cannot afford it. I don’t mean to judge but people try to do anything to generate a lot of money without using a ‘normal process’.

I used to be terrified with it. Honestly, I was…. I used to think what about if I don’t have friend here because I don’t have money? What about if this…? What about that…? But as time passed by…. I realised that I should not have cared about how people value me, how people judge me, how people think about me. It is because other will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you have. They will ask more and more and more.

For this…. I blamed it to the media and business corporation, which try to brainwash people’s mindset with material stuff on daily basis through news, song, film, advertising, magazine and books. They try to decide the definition of beauty for its audience so the audience, which is us, are buying their shit to meet up with the social requirement. Good job!

If we cannot afford it, we will force ourselves to get it by using credit card that we cannot pay every month; by committing  into a corruption be it small or big; by marrying or dating a rich man or woman; by exploiting other to work hard and earning money; or even by stealing. There are just many methods that people do to make money simply because they want to meet up with the ‘social requirement’, which has been shaped by the media.

In the end, we value ourself less, we don’t appreciate our own hard work. Yet, it is not done everyone and I cannot generalise it. I really feel sick with it. I know it does not only happen in Jakarta but in the majority of big city and metropolitan city. Yet, as I am living here…. I just want to share my thought about this issue in Jakarta.

Oh Jakarta…. would you be less arrogant? I love living here because I love my job but ‘those social requirement’ and ‘those definition of beauty’, which have been implemented by many business sector, have forced its citizen to be fake individual. I feel like living in a fake world.

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Catatan: Numpang Hidup sama Mister

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya mendapatkan sebuah SMS yang membuat bulu kuduk berdiri lalu tersenyum simpul. Sebuah nomor yang tidak saya kenal, mencaci maki saya. Basically, si pengirim SMS gelap menuduh saya numpang hidup sama suami saya yang notabene adalah bule alias londo alias orang barat. Maklum orang barat sering dianggap sebagai orang kaya oleh kebanyakan masyarakat Indonesia.

Berbagai pertanyaan muncul di kepala saya”Who is this?“, “What does she want from me?“, “How does (S)he knows my full name?” Entahlah. Saya pikir enggak ada gunanya untuk menggubris SMS semacam itu.

Lucunya si pengirim SMS gelap sepertinya benar-benar sayang dengan saya. Hari Sabtu kemarin, saya kembali mendapatkan SMS gelap dari nomor  yang berbeda, lagi-lagi nomor saya yang enggak dikenal. Dengan bahasa yang sama, saya menduga bahwa si pengirim adalah orang yang berpendidikan rendah atau bahkan enggak pernah mengenyam bangku pendidikan. Kenapa saya berpikir seperti itu? Mudah saja, saya bisa membacanya dari kalimat dan pemilihan kata yang digunakan.

Si pengirim SMS gelap kembali mencaci saya dengan menyebut saya “pelacur”, “pengangguran” dan “cewek matre”. Belum lagi dia berkata demikian “Lu kan sekelas pembantu. Bisa hidup enak karena laki lu bule.” Kesal dan jengkel namun lagi-lagi saya dibuat tertawa oleh SMS ini. Dicaci kok malah ketawa sih?

Well… tentu saja saya tertawa. Lagi-lagi saya mendengar celetukan org yang sudah termakan stereotype bahwa cewek Indonesia nikah dengan orang Barat hanya untuk numpang hidup. Perempuan Indonesia dengan kulit coklat dan pendek dan menikah/berhubungan dengan bule ‘dimasukkan’ dalam kelas pembantu. Aduh-aduh…. ini kan lucu! Kelas pembantu itu seperti apa sih?

Belum lagi beberapa waktu yang lalu saya baru saja mengeluarkan buku berjudul “Bule Hunter”, sebuah catatan tentang perempuan-perempuan pemburu bule yang selama ini kerap dicap negatif oleh masyarakat baik oleh masyarakat lokal atau oleh orang barat. Entah dicap sebagai gold digger, slut, bertampang babu dan sebagainya.

JUST BECAUSE tuan-tuan londho (orang Barat) kerap dianggap sebagai Paman Gober atau Mesin ATM. And of course, it creates jealousy because ‘perempuan dari kelas pembantu’ mendadak jadi ‘orang kaya’. Padahal belum tahu saja kalau enggak sedikit dari mister-mister tersebut yang juga kere. Ya toh?

Anyway…. lucunya lagi saya dibilang pengangguran. Waduh-waduh ha ha ha. Hanya karena saya ke kantor tidak pakai seragam,  saya dibilang pengangguran. Hanya karena saya dapat bekerja dari rumah dan memiliki office hour yang berbeda, saya dibilang pengangguran. Lucu sekali ini!

Biar kata gaji saya kecil (dibanding gaji suami saya), saya lebih memilih untuk makan hasil keringat saya sendiri. Suatu kebahagiaan ketika saya melihat angka di rekening saya berubah menjelang akhir bulan. I can say to myself ‘That’s my hard work!’. But I think that I owe nobody any explanation. Let them judge me as they want it! However before you judge other, make sure that you are perfect!

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