Tag Archives: Diary

You Never Miss What You Had Until It’s Gone

Toronto, Sept 17 2015

It was 10:06 p.m. when I stepped into the house last night. I just got home from watching the premiere of Indonesian film “A Copy of My Mind” at 2015 Toronto International Film Festival. I felt restless and extremely exhausted. All I thought about was a good night sleep. After I finished shower and got ready to bed, I heard my phone beeping. It was from a good friend of mine. Yet, I did not answer his message until I woke up this morning.

Beb,” my friend wrote.

Yes,” I answered.

I want to break up (with my lover). I’m a sex addict and he said to me that if I slept with another guys, we’re done” My friend wrote.

Well, if it is the best for you then go ahead. But remember, we have certain condition that everybody cannot just accept it easily. Unless you enjoy to be alone and do not need or want to have somebody to come home to or make you feel complete, then you should break up and continue the adventure.” I went on,

At the end, casual sex only gives us a temporary happiness and temporary sense of acceptance. Those hot, rich and handsome guys normally give no shit about us at all. As soon as they’re done, they are just gonna go.” I continued.

So I think, we have to ask to ourselves ‘Why do we want to trade one great guy with beautiful personality and most importantly loves us so much, who also can accept us the way we are, with those dickheads? What are we looking for?’. As they say ‘You never miss what you had until it’s gone.‘” I said.

True,” he answered.

Sometimes we just take our lives for granted until we loose everything and regret it. When it is gone, it is gone.

PS: This writing was inspired by my conversation with a good friend of mine. Of course, I shared this story with my friend’s permission.


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Notes: My Reality

When I write, I do not need to present a picture perfect of life. My writing is often close to telling the truth.  I am  just trying to speaking the truth about things that effect me, about things that happen in our society. My writing is written with my perspective as watcher as well as  doer.

You know…. I also often consider that my writing is often very spiritual because it is all about emotion, it is all about life. It is because I just try to  reveal myself, tell my personal own problem and even lay all my deepest darkest secret because they are part of reality. It is my own reality, which sometimes can better or even worse than yours.

Yes, I choose to present the reality of life. I know that sometimes reality is bitter and painful but that is a real life. As a result, I do not expect no controversy because a controversy is the beginning of public discussion, which helps to understand life better.

Jakarta. 26012015


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Notes: Why Am I Blogging?

Perhaps some of you wonder why I like to share my personal problem in social media, i.e blog. Well, I am type of person who I always have a reason why I do thing things whether why I shave my hair off, why I go to gym or even why I blog about my personal life.

So why do I blog about my personal life? Once I read a blog post saying that writing a journal would help our personal growth and development because it would give us an insight about our behavior and moods. I kind of agree with that statement especially I have been writing personal diary since I was little girl and have been blogging since I was 16. I found that writing a journal would help me to reflect about my life especially everything what I have been going through. On the top of that, I also can review the improvement of my writing skill and my vocabulary bank.

But I must say that I am not kind of person who like to share my problem with my friend.  It is not because I don’t trust them to keep my secret but I tend to not believe or trust their judgement. Not saying that they are wrong, it is just ….. their judgement tend to lead me to further confusion.

And the most annoying part  of it is people would start being judgmental and telling you how wrong or even how stupid you are without understanding the circumstance. They would even start telling you that “you should not have done this and that… and bla bla bla

Oh well…. I guess it is our problem, we tend to listen to respond than listen to understand why thing is going wrong with somebody’s else life. Am I right?

And those are the last thing that I want to hear from other especially when I know very well that  they are not in my shoes.  Yet, sometimes …. I still have a discussion with my friends also about my problem  but not to seek for advice.

So what should I do if I need some advice? As I love reading book and listening to the music, I always would seek for some advice from inspirational book or inspirational songs. It helps me to reflect about my problem. Other than that, they would never judge me but  tend to give me a wiser suggestion. That’s the best thing of it! Try it!

So that’s why I rather to share my burden by blogging than talking to friends because I want to protect my feeling, to protect my heart and to prevent me from bad influences from other. But as humanly as possible,  I am trying my best to not posting a harmful or sensitive blog anyhow. So bear with me readers….

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy my blog!


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Jakarta: Are Human Beings Less Valuable than Money?

Since I moved to Jakarta for the very first time, I always become very sensitive with the money issue. It is because I feel that we, as a human being, as a social being, are often being appreciated and valued according to  the money that we have by others. It is very different comparing the time when I lived in Yogyakarta, my hometown.

Here in Jakarta, we tend to be appreciated and valued according to the money that we have, the money that we wear, the money that we live, the money that we drive, the money that we eat and the money that we earn. It makes us, as a human being and social being, is less valuable than other unless they have money.

No wonder… there are many corruption in every institution, be it government institution or private company. It has become a social disease because people value other according to the money that we have, the money that we wear. No wonder… there are many women look for a rich man to keep up with the ‘social requirement’ so they can be accepted. There are many men look for rich vulnerable woman to get money from them so they can keep up with their lifestyle even they cannot afford it. I don’t mean to judge but people try to do anything to generate a lot of money without using a ‘normal process’.

I used to be terrified with it. Honestly, I was…. I used to think what about if I don’t have friend here because I don’t have money? What about if this…? What about that…? But as time passed by…. I realised that I should not have cared about how people value me, how people judge me, how people think about me. It is because other will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you have. They will ask more and more and more.

For this…. I blamed it to the media and business corporation, which try to brainwash people’s mindset with material stuff on daily basis through news, song, film, advertising, magazine and books. They try to decide the definition of beauty for its audience so the audience, which is us, are buying their shit to meet up with the social requirement. Good job!

If we cannot afford it, we will force ourselves to get it by using credit card that we cannot pay every month; by committing  into a corruption be it small or big; by marrying or dating a rich man or woman; by exploiting other to work hard and earning money; or even by stealing. There are just many methods that people do to make money simply because they want to meet up with the ‘social requirement’, which has been shaped by the media.

In the end, we value ourself less, we don’t appreciate our own hard work. Yet, it is not done everyone and I cannot generalise it. I really feel sick with it. I know it does not only happen in Jakarta but in the majority of big city and metropolitan city. Yet, as I am living here…. I just want to share my thought about this issue in Jakarta.

Oh Jakarta…. would you be less arrogant? I love living here because I love my job but ‘those social requirement’ and ‘those definition of beauty’, which have been implemented by many business sector, have forced its citizen to be fake individual. I feel like living in a fake world.

PS: This is my personal reflection, you can agree or disagree :-)



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Notes: Two Side Of A Coin

Somebody asked me “Aren’t you feeling ashamed to air your dirty laundry here?” So I answered “I often display the beautiful part of my life, today I air my dirty laundry at the same place. Why? Because I just wanna be a real person, there are two sides of a coin. Right?


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Wardrobe: Warm Sunday

Sunday Service's Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Sunday Service’s Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Hi readers…. it’s Sunday again! The weather has not been really friendly to the Jakartans in these last few days. It has been raining heavily nearly every night. Just like early last year, Jakarta is flooding again. Thankfully I am living in Southern Jakarta, where the heavy rain rarely caused flood in these area.

Despite the fact it was dark yet cloudy, I tried to have fun on Sunday by going to church and lunch with my Heirwid and Chacky. You might ask yourself “What kind of fun does she have in the church? Have fun in the church? That sounds weird!”

Well if you watched Sex and The City sit-com, you might still remember what Carrie said about church and fashion when she saw Mr. Big at the church with his mom.

She said “As I watched people leaving church, I was amazed at how they looked. Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la Renta. What is it about God and fashion that go so well together?And suddenly, there he was wearing Armani on Sunday.

So here I was wearing something  quite different today. I wore something, which is elegantly warm and sexy (at least that’s what I think). Somehow I love the look of myself.

Honestly I haven’t been taking care of myself since November because of stress. I got some complaints from some of my friends that I didn’t look well because I didn’t take care myself well, didn’t cut my hair or even facial. And here I am getting back on my feet again. What do you think?


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Music: Fuck For The Road

Verse 1
They say, “What goes around comes around.”
And I know I make mistakes and you forgave me, How?
I don’t understand, you know I’m tryin the best I can.
I guess its consequences when you dealin wit sin.
And even sacrificed ya friends over me,
all them nights in the club turned to nights with me.
It’s like the same ol’ story out ya diary.
Memories never fade, but only in time we’ll see.
Hope to see you wit me..

My heart beats for you. Girl you know you are the one.
While you’re mad at me, girl I know I made mistakes.
I know, I thought that my heart beats for you baby
I gon go away screaming love!
But if you leave that’s something that I can’t control.
So let’s do it one last time and fuck for the road.

Verse 2:
Grippin and bitin, remember the times after fightin?
You said, “you love me,” I liked it, became obsessed with the sexin.
You screaming, “whose is it?
” we naked. I’m pullin yo hair, told you take it.
A couple of shots, now we faded don’t even know how we made it (we home).
Got that look in yo eyes, like hope you mine.
Said you “hope you feelings real, really tired of all the lies.”
One minute we fine, then we not. Everything I do you can’t.
But that’s no reason for makin mistakes.
This time put it all on the plate.
(I-I) told you, “be loyal, spoil you, never disown you.
You get lonely when I’m touring, just hold it down, be supportive.

I’ll be back in the mornin, that new purse you wanted.”
What’s good if you can’t flaunt it, flaunt it, show it.

Ain’t the same, better than the rest
And what’s real love if you ain’t got respect?
There’s no way I could pay it back.
But my plan is to make, make you understand.
Make you understand that..


All I ever wanted was your happiness.
But right now let’s get down to it, let’s handle this business.
If you’re gonna leave be tonight, I gotta kiss her goodbye.
Girl I’m bout make you cry!
And all I need is one last time cause my..

Verse 3
Last time, best time, better than my next time
Rolex invest time, Moet it’s sex time.
Hard to let go when part of you gon be alone.
Scrollin yo phone, lookin at texts, seemed like not too long ago.

Ain’t the same, better than the rest.
And what’s real love if you ain’t got respect?
There’s no way I could pay it back.
But my plan is to make, make you understand
Make you understand that..



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