Tag Archives: Diary

Catatan: Numpang Hidup sama Mister

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya mendapatkan sebuah SMS yang membuat bulu kuduk berdiri lalu tersenyum simpul. Sebuah nomor yang tidak saya kenal, mencaci maki saya. Basically, si pengirim SMS gelap menuduh saya numpang hidup sama suami saya yang notabene adalah bule alias londo alias orang barat. Maklum orang barat sering dianggap sebagai orang kaya oleh kebanyakan masyarakat Indonesia.

Berbagai pertanyaan muncul di kepala saya”Who is this?“, “What does she want from me?“, “How does (S)he knows my full name?” Entahlah. Saya pikir enggak ada gunanya untuk menggubris SMS semacam itu.

Lucunya si pengirim SMS gelap sepertinya benar-benar sayang dengan saya. Hari Sabtu kemarin, saya kembali mendapatkan SMS gelap dari nomor  yang berbeda, lagi-lagi nomor saya yang enggak dikenal. Dengan bahasa yang sama, saya menduga bahwa si pengirim adalah orang yang berpendidikan rendah atau bahkan enggak pernah mengenyam bangku pendidikan. Kenapa saya berpikir seperti itu? Mudah saja, saya bisa membacanya dari kalimat dan pemilihan kata yang digunakan.

Si pengirim SMS gelap kembali mencaci saya dengan menyebut saya “pelacur”, “pengangguran” dan “cewek matre”. Belum lagi dia berkata demikian “Lu kan sekelas pembantu. Bisa hidup enak karena laki lu bule.” Kesal dan jengkel namun lagi-lagi saya dibuat tertawa oleh SMS ini. Dicaci kok malah ketawa sih?

Well… tentu saja saya tertawa. Lagi-lagi saya mendengar celetukan org yang sudah termakan stereotype bahwa cewek Indonesia nikah dengan orang Barat hanya untuk numpang hidup. Perempuan Indonesia dengan kulit coklat dan pendek dan menikah/berhubungan dengan bule ‘dimasukkan’ dalam kelas pembantu. Aduh-aduh…. ini kan lucu! Kelas pembantu itu seperti apa sih?

Belum lagi beberapa waktu yang lalu saya baru saja mengeluarkan buku berjudul “Bule Hunter”, sebuah catatan tentang perempuan-perempuan pemburu bule yang selama ini kerap dicap negatif oleh masyarakat baik oleh masyarakat lokal atau oleh orang barat. Entah dicap sebagai gold digger, slut, bertampang babu dan sebagainya.

JUST BECAUSE tuan-tuan londho (orang Barat) kerap dianggap sebagai Paman Gober atau Mesin ATM. And of course, it creates jealousy because ‘perempuan dari kelas pembantu’ mendadak jadi ‘orang kaya’. Padahal belum tahu saja kalau enggak sedikit dari mister-mister tersebut yang juga kere. Ya toh?

Anyway…. lucunya lagi saya dibilang pengangguran. Waduh-waduh ha ha ha. Hanya karena saya ke kantor tidak pakai seragam,  saya dibilang pengangguran. Hanya karena saya dapat bekerja dari rumah dan memiliki office hour yang berbeda, saya dibilang pengangguran. Lucu sekali ini!

Biar kata gaji saya kecil (dibanding gaji suami saya), saya lebih memilih untuk makan hasil keringat saya sendiri. Suatu kebahagiaan ketika saya melihat angka di rekening saya berubah menjelang akhir bulan. I can say to myself ‘That’s my hard work!’. But I think that I owe nobody any explanation. Let them judge me as they want it! However before you judge other, make sure that you are perfect!


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Notes: ….

…. from my wildest imagination

I am having you on my mind now, thinking about our old good days but it gets me really upset, realising that somehow I am no longer in love with you anymore. I asked myself… how can I fall in love with you again? If I could, would it ever be the same? I don’t know…

They say…. ‘You don’t push away someone and expect them to be there when you are ready.’ Well… physically I am still here but it seems that my soul is no longer here. I guess I have been long gone. Sometimes I still want you to be the smile on my face but I am too traumatised to have your around me and I just want to be happy…


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Notes: Only Moral Support

….. “I am so depressed about my life,” he said this morning.

Somehow… as soon as I opened my eyes and read his text message, I felt pretty upset. Upset because I do not know what I should or could do to help him out, because all I can do is just give him moral support with all the best effort that I can give.

I know that he is a very kind person with a good heart but he does not know how to ease his mind and enjoy the life a lil bit regardless how difficult our life is at the moment. Still, I am being grateful for the life that I live.

But frankly… I don’t know what else I have to do or say to support him because in the end of the day it’s him to decide what he must do or he must not do…. I am just worried about you up there…


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Notes: One More Time…

From my wildest imagination

….. He said that he would never be with her, would never but he used to tell her that he wanted to be with her one day. Not just once he told her that he wanted to be with her one day… but many times. Everyday… she  was counting down the days and looking forward to that day. Unfortunately … instead of getting closer to that day, that day seemed to go away.

No more warm conversation but argument, no more laughters but tears and no more trust but doubt …. Their relationship was falling apart. She was very upset….  She lost the direction, she did not know where to go, she did not know what to say…. her heart was broken into pieces.

Wow! He would never be mine and we would never be just us two. Would never… not even a chance to try to be together… I couldn’t believe it. How could it be? Is it for real? My feeling was real but my dream seems to not be real… How could it be?” she asked herself in that corner.

That night … he got down on his knees, looked into her teary sad eyes to say sorry. Sorry for breaking her heart, sorry for telling her lies, sorry for hurting her, sorry for destroying her dream .. her dream to be with him in there future. He was being really sorry but was he really being sorry? She did not know… Her heart was broken for one more time ….


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Notes: Nirbhaya Had an Abortion

This is a story between me and her, the woman who has an abortion two years ago in the foreign land. I had an imaginary conversation with her while we were enjoying a glass of cold coconut ice in my living room this afternoon.  She allowed me to share our conversation.


Her name is Nirbhaya. Her name means fearless. Nirbhaya, she is a 26 years old fearless woman, who are not afraid taking risk to get something that she wants for herself, for her own happiness. She is never afraid taking any risk at all, no matter how dangerous it is.

But last night she was upset. She had an untold story that she had been keeping for herself. Well, actually she had told some of her friends about this but still she felt that they do not understand and will never understand how she felt inside. She is still feeling the pain.

So here is her story…

Two years ago in the foreign land, Nirbhaya had an abortion of six weeks fetus in her womb.

Wow… an abortion? That is something that I have never thought that I would ever do in my life. Would never.” Nirbhaya started her story to me. “But I had to do it anyway because my man did not want it and I was not particularly ready to be a mother. I just couldn’t imagine that I would be a mother. I still wanna have fun…

Honestly, I had a moral issue with a woman, who did an abortion. However I always say to my friends that it is better to do an abortion than let the baby suffering in this cruel world. The worst is I did it too.” Nirbhaya went on.

It was an unforgettable cold Monday morning, on the third day of 2012. I had an abortion in the foreign land by myself.” she added.

You know what it means by having six weeks fetus in my womb? It means that the baby had developed tiny buds that will become arms and legs further along the line. Its heart is rapidly developing from a simple tube to the complex four chambers which pump blood around its body. This means that the heart beat can be identified easier. And I took my own child life.” she went on.

I vividly remembered the first night after I had an abortion, I heard a baby crying. I felt that my baby  haunted me,” she added.

I am just listening to Nirbhaya.

I tried to share my feeling with my man about this sometimes but he often refused to talk about it. Instead he wanted me to forget about it but it was not easy. I don’t know… despite the fact I was not ready to be a mother, sometimes I just think if my baby is still alive today, he or she would be one and half years old kid, who runs around in the house and keeps me busy. I believe he or she would be very attractive and active kid. And the greatest is that kid would call me mommy or ibu.” she said.

But he or she is not here, would never be here but it would always be in my mind. And to be honest…. I regret what I did even it is the best decision to do, it was the worst mistake that I ever did in my entire life,” she went on.

You know what Fani? Sometimes I heard a baby crying at night, my baby keeps haunting me until today and it makes me really upset. But I was lucky to find a clinic, which practice abortion legally…I was so lucky” Nirbhaya said to me. 

The funny part about that day was somehow the radio played How to Love song by Lil Wayne. Do you know that music video right where it was opened with the woman, who was about going to terminate her baby but she decided to keep the baby and showed her baby girl how  to love. I wish I was that woman. But it was the best decision anyhow.”  she went on.

What I want was just one that my man would have ear for me whenever my guilty feeling comes haunted me. Why? It is because I would never forget about the third day of 2012 that I took the life of my own blood. I just cannot forgive myself to do the abortion even it was the best decision. The pain is still there and perhaps would always be there. It pains me a lot that I killed my own blood but I am glad that my man is willing to talk about it sometimes…”  she said.


Discussing such an issue (abortion) openly to our friend is not particularly easy to do it in our community (Indonesian society) simply because of the moral issue. But personally, I support an abortion, especially when the parents are unable to take the responsibility. I just hate the idea seeing kids suffering because parents are unable to take their responsibility to take care of their kids. However it is important to do it legally for the safety’s sake.

Anyway, I am glad that I could share her experience in this blog. Sometimes I wonder how many women are willing to come out to share their abortion experience to the public and why are they willing to do so? Well, I guess it is one way to ease their burden regardless the judgment that they would receive from the community.

One thing that I could say tho… we are only human, we make mistake intentionally or accidentally to other or to ourselves. But always remember that only God can judge us and not other fellow human being because in the end of the day we carry our own cross. Right?


PS: Sharing our burden to our close people is the best way to ease the pain that we feel in our life. The funny thing is it is easier to share it with our friend than our own family because friends appear to have a better understanding than family. But keep in mind that  that there are a lot of rats out there, which would use it against you when you have a problem with them.


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Notes: Two Side Of A Coin

Somebody asked me “Aren’t you feeling ashamed to air your dirty laundry here?” So I answered “I often display the beautiful part of my life, today I air my dirty laundry at the same place. Why? Because I just wanna be a real person, there are two sides of a coin. Right?


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Fashion: Warm Sunday

Sunday Service's Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Sunday Service’s Outfit [2014: Chacky]

Hi readers…. it’s Sunday again! The weather has not been really friendly to the Jakartans in these last few days. It has been raining heavily nearly every night. Just like early last year, Jakarta is flooding again. Thankfully I am living in Southern Jakarta, where the heavy rain rarely caused flood in these area.

Despite the fact it was dark yet cloudy, I tried to have fun on Sunday by going to church and lunch with my Heirwid and Chacky. You might ask yourself “What kind of fun does she have in the church? Have fun in the church? That sounds weird!”

Well if you watched Sex and The City sit-com, you might still remember what Carrie said about church and fashion when she saw Mr. Big at the church with his mom.

She said “As I watched people leaving church, I was amazed at how they looked. Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la Renta. What is it about God and fashion that go so well together?And suddenly, there he was wearing Armani on Sunday.

So here I was wearing something  quite different today. I wore something, which is elegantly warm and sexy (at least that’s what I think). Somehow I love the look of myself.

Honestly I haven’t been taking care of myself since November because of stress. I got some complaints from some of my friends that I didn’t look well because I didn’t take care myself well, didn’t cut my hair or even facial. And here I am getting back on my feet again. What do you think?

Shades by Gucci; Black Turtle Neck Top by Karen Millen; Lace Skirt by Body&Soul; Grey Peep Toe Wedges by Guiseppe Zanotti; Black Lips Sling Bag by Diane von Furstenberg


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Notes: Dinner or Shoes

Going to Singapore without shopping seems to be impossible for me. But I am trying my best to not shopping and purchasing for designer fashion products. There are two reasons why I don’t go for shopping 1) I don’t have the money (even I do, I don’t budget it for it) ; 2) Indonesian rupiah is very weak against the Singapore dollar. Those couple of reasons are good enough to stop me from shopping.

So after having myself starving all day because I had to be fasting before doing some medical check up, I was craving for a good pizza. Where should I go to find it? I was damn hungry and just felt lazy to find it in a place, which I am not familiar with. So here I was walking around Orchard Road to look for a good Italian restaurant.

But wait…. Really? I decided to go Orchard Road, the shopping heaven of Singapore. Was I looking for pizza or something else? Well I was looking for pizza. As soon as I hopped into taxi from Bencoolen, I asked the taxi driver to drop me to Takashimaya Mall simply because I didn’t know where to start to look for a good pizzeria in Singapore.

Other than that ….. Takashimaya Mall is connected to Ngee Ann City, where one of my favorite shoes store, Christian Louboutin, is. And it is January, end of season sale are just everywhere. I love sale, I love designer fashion product and most importantly I love good deal.

Christian Louboutin Boutique in Ngee Ann City, Singapore [2014: E O]

Christian Louboutin Boutique in Ngee Ann City, Singapore [2014: E O]

So guess what I got? I got nothing. Why? First, CL boutique doesn’t really have a good collection from last season; second they don’t have the size of couple of the shoes, which I fell in love with two pair of boots. So praise The Lord Jesus Christ for his glory! He stopped me from shopping. Lol : )

And here I was sitting in Trattoria restaurant in Mandarin Orchard having my pizza at 9:30 p.m WITHOUT carrying shopping bag. Isn’t it a big achievement?

Anyway, that’s the problem with women, or I should say shopaholic or shoes addict, no matter how hungry they are and how dizzy their head is from the hunger, they would rather to shop around for beautiful shoes than to feed themselves as soon as they arrive in shopping heaven. Am I right or that’s just me?


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Notes: Practice What You Preach

Have you ever listened to Where Is The Love song by Black Eyed Peas? If not, you have to listen to this song.  Why do I say that? It is because I found this song has a very interesting lyrics. One of the line says “People killing, people dying. Children hurt and you hear them crying. Can you practice what you preach? And would you turn the other cheek?

I smile whenever I listen to that song and I ask myself how many preacher have practice what they preach?

As a Christian, who like to have discussion about life with other believer, I would often hear that some preachers preaching about the word of God but they don’t practice what they preach. Some of the examples, which I heard with my own ear,  were a preacher preached about only God has the authority to take humans life but ‘s the same time the same preacher suggest his girlfriend to kill their own baby (It says in Deuteronomy 32:39). Or the same preacher would cheat/steal other people money  meanwhile it is clearly said in the book of Leviticus that those activity against the Lord.

Or  as  a journalist who used to cover story on religious violence issue in Indonesia. I often heard with my own ear that some religious leader preach about love but at the same time they preach about hatred. In the name of God, they killed other human being because they have different belief. In the name of God, they burn down other human being home because they have different belief. Or some criminals use religion to justify their action.

So my question is now being Do they use religion to justify their negative action? What kind of God do they really believe in? Why they don’t practice what they preach? Oh well… I guess it is easier to say than implement it in their own life.

Despite the fact I was born in Catholic family and taught about Catholic value, personally I used to prefer to be an agnostic who belief in God and don’t wanna tie myself into any religion because what I have been seeing around me. In the name of God, people are killing or hurting each other.

Other than that, I always believe/know that religion is the product of social construction but at the same time I always believe that there is God. God, who has no religion. I also have been reading the profile about Jesus Christ as a famous figure in Christianity, Muhammad as a famous figure in Islam and Siddartha as a famous figure in Buddhism. They are all amazing in their own way.

George and I [2013]

George and I [2013]

But there was a stage in life, when I was reintroduced to God and Christianity in different way by a  good friend of mine, George. I found it interesting to get to know about Jesus’s teaching again in different way without force and better understanding. Honestly as a Catholic, I didn’t know what Jesus said in the bible.

So two years ago, I started to read my dusty bible, which has been neglected for years. I try to understand every line of it (I have not finish reading all the books tho because I am lazy sometimes) and reflect it. I also try to implement it into my daily life even though I often find myself fail in implementing it.

So here I am being Christian again in different way. But back to my previous question without trying to say that I am righteous or holier than anyone, what I still don’t understand is why some preacher just don’t practice what they preach? Is it because our God is forgiving God that is why they don’t practice what they preach?

I guess there is something wrong with this wold!



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Notes: Let’s Talk About S.E.X

Let's buy sex toy [2014: E O]

Let’s buy sex toy [2014: E O]

Let’s talk about s.e.x and I will be blunt in this posting.

I don’t know if it is correct to say that our society are more confident to talk about money than to talk about s.e.x with our own family or friends. Or am I wrong?

Well, I think I am right.I often heard that it is taboo to talk about s.e.x in public whenever I attend discussion about reproductive system and right. And that statement has been proven to be true because I often find many of my friends avoiding to talk about s.e.x because they said it’s private.

Oh well… that sucks but understand. Despite the fact we live in modern world, our society are still traditional society. But what’s wrong talking about s.e.x beautiful people? “Hi how is your sex life?”

But thanks to all my gay friends and open-minded girl friends, who LOVE talking about s.e.x whenever we go out. We can giggle for hours talking about dicks, pussy, s.e.x position, guys, condom, s.e.x toys, size, orgasm or facial expression. As Indonesian, we also talk about why we choose to have s.e.x a French man or British man, Chinese man or African man, Javanese man or Balinese man.

Or we also talk about why we choose to hot guy with six pack abs and perfect round ass or skinny guy or even chubby guy. Or even why we want to have s.e.x with guy who has circumcised or non circumcised penis. Or how some guys with non circumcised penis can keep their dick clean and not smelly while some cannot? There are just a lot of things about s.e.x that we can talk about.

And yes… we don’t really talk about woman because we are women, who has no interest to have s.e.x with woman, and my friends are gay who love dicks also. (Many of my friends are gay and we are talking about penis most of the time, so bear with me readers! Take a deep breath!)

You know what honey? There are two factors what makes a man as a real man, their dick and their financial security. And it is hard to find the perfect one package even though he has an amazing personality.” one of my friend said.

“So you have to choose, whether a man who can bring food to the table and beautiful shoes to your wardrobe but cannot make you come or a man who can make you scream and come over and over again but cannot even give you a small diamond.” he went on.

I know it is hard to decide when love is involved. But always remember even though a man has a good heart but he is lame, doesn’t have big dick or the worst doesn’t know how to use their dick well and doesn’t have financial security. Then better forget about the man! What are you looking for from that man?! There are many amazing horses out there.” he added.

Well… I agree with you but the society will judge the woman as a slut, a whore or gold digger.” I answered.

Fuck em all! You have to love yourself first! How many people think that you are perfectly happy with everything that you have but who knows that you don’t have s.e.x life at all? You are pretty, sexy and smart, many guys want you! But always be careful, you don’t go around fire expecting not to sweat honey. Many disease out there!” He said.

Well, I met many people who ended up their marriage because of bad s.e.x life. So my question is now being can a marriage or relationship survive without s.e.x or intimacy?


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