Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]
When I was young, I always thought of myself as a bird. A bird, who loves to spread my wings and learns how to fly so I could see the world. I also always knew that I am fearless. I would take every opportunity, I would take every risk to get everything that I want. I want to be success, I want to be happy.
I have never been afraid of anything. Never afraid of doing something new, of being failed, of losing things or afraid of any human being. No… I have never been afraid because I know that I always have been having faith in myself that I would be able to do things that I want regardless its obstacle.
In 2009, a doctor told me that I might only have another 10 years to live if I did not pay attention of my health by taking medication. Really? Only 10 years and I was 21 years old. I started to have a little fear. Not fear of dying but fear of not being success, fear of not being happy by the time I am gone.
However since I saw my doctor in Singapore, my fear faded away. Continuously I saw the good result of my medication. I was happy. I knew that everything would be alright. I knew that it was a non-sense statement. “How could a doctor tell you when you are going to die?” Just within two year, I completed my medication. I knew I would be alright and have a longer life.
But thing changed. Last Christmas, I was in the hospital. It came back. My faith turned to be fear. I no longer have faith. All I have fear. Fear to not be able to be success. Fear to not be able to be happy.
If the first doctor was true, I would only have another five year left. If I am lucky, I would stay longer but if I am not, I would only have another five year or even less. What would have I done when the time is over? I don’t know
Today is my birthday. I used to always be grateful because I was blessed to be able to new experience in life every year. I was never afraid of getting old. But today, I am upset and afraid because time is ticking and I am counting down my year. And all I know… I just want to be success and I just want to be happy by the time I am gone.
I know I might sound hopeless, coward, ungrateful or whatever you want to call me. But …. reader…. I do not mean to be rude but no I do not need your pity. I do not need you to feel sorry. And I do not even want to read your negative comment or encouraging comment as if you are in my shoes. And yes, I know that I am not the only one facing what I face in the world. I just want to share my burden. Sometimes some people just want to be listened only when they share their burden. Thank you.