Tag Archives: Diary

Notes: My Reality

When I write, I do not need to present a picture perfect of life. My writing is often close to telling the truth.  I am  just trying to speaking the truth about things that effect me, about things that happen in our society. My writing is written with my perspective as watcher as well as  doer.

You know…. I also often consider that my writing is often very spiritual because it is all about emotion, it is all about life. It is because I just try to  reveal myself, tell my personal own problem and even lay all my deepest darkest secret because they are part of reality. It is my own reality, which sometimes can better or even worse than yours.

Yes, I choose to present the reality of life. I know that sometimes reality is bitter and painful but that is a real life. As a result, I do not expect no controversy because a controversy is the beginning of public discussion, which helps to understand life better.

Jakarta. 26012015

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Notes: Why Am I Blogging?

Perhaps some of you wonder why I like to share my personal problem in social media, i.e blog. Well, I am type of person who like to do thing for a cause. I always have a reason why I do thing things whether why I shave my hair off, why I go to gym or even why I blog about my personal life.

So why do I blog about my personal life? Once I read a blog post saying that writing a journal would help our personal growth and development because it would give us an insight about our behavior and moods. I kinda agree with that statement especially I have been writing personal diary since I was little girl and have been blogging since I was 16. I found that writing a journal would help me to reflect about my life especially everything what I have been going through. On the top of that, I also can review the improvement of my writing skill and my vocabulary bank.

But I must say that I am not kind of person who like to share my problem with my friend.  It is not because I don’t trust them to keep my secret but I tend to not believe or trust their judgement. Not saying that they are wrong, it is just ….. their judgement tend to lead me to further confusion.

And the most annoying part  of it is people would start being judgmental and telling you how wrong or even how stupid you are without understanding the circumstance. They would even start telling you that “you should not have done this and that… and bla bla bla

Oh well…. I guess it is our problem, we tend to listen to respond than listen to understand why thing is going wrong with somebody’s else life. Am I right?

And those are the last thing that I want to hear from other especially when I know very well that  they are not in my shoes.  Yet, sometimes …. I still have a discussion with my friends also about my problem  but not to seek for advice.

So what should I do if I need some advice? As I love reading book and listening to the music, I always would seek for some advice from inspirational book or inspirational songs. It helps me to reflect about my problem. Other than that, they would never judge me but  tend to give me a wiser suggestion. That’s the best thing of it! Try it!

So that’s why I rather to share my burden by blogging than talking to friends because I want to protect my feeling, to protect my heart and to prevent me from bad influences from other. But as humanly as possible,  I am trying my best to not posting a harmful or sensitive blog anyhow. So bear with me readers….

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy my blog!

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Jakarta: Are Human Beings Less Valuable than Money?

Since I moved to Jakarta for the very first time, I always become very sensitive with the money issue. It is because I feel that we, as a human being, as a social being, are often being appreciated and valued according to  the money that we have by others. It is very different comparing the time when I lived in Yogyakarta, my hometown.

Here in Jakarta, we tend to be appreciated and valued according to the money that we have, the money that we wear, the money that we live, the money that we drive, the money that we eat and the money that we earn. It makes us, as a human being and social being, is less valuable than other unless they have money.

No wonder… there are many corruption in every institution, be it government institution or private company. It has become a social disease because people value other according to the money that we have, the money that we wear. No wonder… there are many women look for a rich man to keep up with the ‘social requirement’ so they can be accepted. There are many men look for rich vulnerable woman to get money from them so they can keep up with their lifestyle even they cannot afford it. I don’t mean to judge but people try to do anything to generate a lot of money without using a ‘normal process’.

I used to be terrified with it. Honestly, I was…. I used to think what about if I don’t have friend here because I don’t have money? What about if this…? What about that…? But as time passed by…. I realised that I should not have cared about how people value me, how people judge me, how people think about me. It is because other will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you have. They will ask more and more and more.

For this…. I blamed it to the media and business corporation, which try to brainwash people’s mindset with material stuff on daily basis through news, song, film, advertising, magazine and books. They try to decide the definition of beauty for its audience so the audience, which is us, are buying their shit to meet up with the social requirement. Good job!

If we cannot afford it, we will force ourselves to get it by using credit card that we cannot pay every month; by committing  into a corruption be it small or big; by marrying or dating a rich man or woman; by exploiting other to work hard and earning money; or even by stealing. There are just many methods that people do to make money simply because they want to meet up with the ‘social requirement’, which has been shaped by the media.

In the end, we value ourself less, we don’t appreciate our own hard work. Yet, it is not done everyone and I cannot generalise it. I really feel sick with it. I know it does not only happen in Jakarta but in the majority of big city and metropolitan city. Yet, as I am living here…. I just want to share my thought about this issue in Jakarta.

Oh Jakarta…. would you be less arrogant? I love living here because I love my job but ‘those social requirement’ and ‘those definition of beauty’, which have been implemented by many business sector, have forced its citizen to be fake individual. I feel like living in a fake world.

PS: This is my personal reflection, you can agree or disagree :-)

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Notes: Two Side Of A Coin

Somebody asked me “Aren’t you feeling ashamed to air your dirty laundry here?” So I answered “I often display the beautiful part of my life, today I air my dirty laundry at the same place. Why? Because I just wanna be a real person, there are two sides of a coin. Right?

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Music: Fuck For The Road

Verse 1
Tyga:
They say, “What goes around comes around.”
And I know I make mistakes and you forgave me, How?
I don’t understand, you know I’m tryin the best I can.
I guess its consequences when you dealin wit sin.
And even sacrificed ya friends over me,
all them nights in the club turned to nights with me.
It’s like the same ol’ story out ya diary.
Memories never fade, but only in time we’ll see.
Hope to see you wit me..

(chorus)
Chris:
My heart beats for you. Girl you know you are the one.
While you’re mad at me, girl I know I made mistakes.
I know, I thought that my heart beats for you baby
I gon go away screaming love!
But if you leave that’s something that I can’t control.
So let’s do it one last time and fuck for the road.

Verse 2:
Tyga:
Grippin and bitin, remember the times after fightin?
You said, “you love me,” I liked it, became obsessed with the sexin.
You screaming, “whose is it?
” we naked. I’m pullin yo hair, told you take it.
A couple of shots, now we faded don’t even know how we made it (we home).
Got that look in yo eyes, like hope you mine.
Said you “hope you feelings real, really tired of all the lies.”
One minute we fine, then we not. Everything I do you can’t.
But that’s no reason for makin mistakes.
This time put it all on the plate.
(I-I) told you, “be loyal, spoil you, never disown you.
You get lonely when I’m touring, just hold it down, be supportive.

I’ll be back in the mornin, that new purse you wanted.”
What’s good if you can’t flaunt it, flaunt it, show it.

Ain’t the same, better than the rest
And what’s real love if you ain’t got respect?
There’s no way I could pay it back.
But my plan is to make, make you understand.
Make you understand that..

(chorus)

Chris:
All I ever wanted was your happiness.
But right now let’s get down to it, let’s handle this business.
If you’re gonna leave be tonight, I gotta kiss her goodbye.
Girl I’m bout make you cry!
And all I need is one last time cause my..

Verse 3
Tyga:
Last time, best time, better than my next time
Rolex invest time, Moet it’s sex time.
Hard to let go when part of you gon be alone.
Scrollin yo phone, lookin at texts, seemed like not too long ago.

Ain’t the same, better than the rest.
And what’s real love if you ain’t got respect?
There’s no way I could pay it back.
But my plan is to make, make you understand
Make you understand that..

(chorus)

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Notes: Negative Mindset

Negative Mindset Tends to Corrupt My Life [2013: E N U]

Negative Mindset Tends to Corrupt My Life [2013: E N U]

Life has been extremely hard for me in these last few months. Instead of getting better each month, life seems getting harder and worse. I tried to be strong and believe that everything was okay and would get better sooner than later. But no it did not. It got worse and I could not deal with it well. But was it me unable to deal it well or was it just my negative mindset?

Wait…. that’s what I just discovered! Whether were I really unable to deal with the current life situation well or was it just my negative mindset?

Well let me tell you something, I always said to myself that I must always remove my negative thinking when I have/want/need to do something. No matter how difficult my task is… I MUST NOT say that I CANNOT. Instead I MUST say that I CAN. If I have belief in myself that I can do it, surely I will be able to finish any task, which is given to me. Why did I say that?

Few years ago when I was working for an english newspaper, I was asked to write four stories. It was 2 p.m and the deadline was at 7 p.m. I could not say NO and I would not say No. Instead I said yes. I said to myself that I CAN finish it and I WILL finish it. Even though I didn’t meet the deadline on time, I was able to finish and submit all the stories. I was relieved.  I was happy knowing that I had the ability to do it.

Somehow when I worked on those article, I felt no burden at all. Instead I was enjoying it. But here was the key, I believed that I would not do anything properly without God’s help. (I know I might sound so religious but that’s what I believe : ). I believe in God’s grace).

So as I reflected into my current life’s situation and how I dealt with it, I just felt that the negativity has corrupted my life. It was just a constant complaint.  I always said to myself how unhappy I am, how stressful my life is, how difficult my life is, how hard my life is, etc etc etc. Yes perhaps I am unhappy with the current situation but shouldn’t I just consider it as a test from God?

Well I often said to myself that this difficult life would be just temporary, it wouldn’t stay forever as what Saint Paul said There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

And again Jesus also said “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27)

So why couldn’t I deal with my current life situation well? I think it is because I was surrounded by people with negative thinking and somehow it effected to me. No I did not mean to blame anyone here. But now I learnt whenever all those negative opinion comes closer to me, it is better for me to walk away or close my ears to ignore it.

It all comes down to our mindset. If we have a positive mindset, we would deal with difficulty positively, led us to positive attitude and finally we would not feel that we carry a heavy burden. But if we have a negative mindset, we would deal with difficulty with negative attitude, give us frustration and and life getting  hard for us everyday.

I am glad that I have been introduced to God since I was child through Catholic belief. Even though there was a stage of life when I did not want to be tied to any religion but still believed in God, I just found that religious value has taught me something which gives me peace of mind.

Instead of running to alcohol or nicotine  when I got upset (I used to drink a lot but was not an alcoholic, just a cocktail lover. And I knew I smoked few days ago but I rarely did it), I just picked my bible and read it. It might not give me a solution right away but it gives me peace of mind. And that’s all I need.

For me, life is about constant reflection. Perhaps some people might think that I am drama queen or melancholic bitch whenever I share my problem or point of view of life in my blog but I don’t really care anyway. This is how the way I live my life.

And  I just realized that God actually has answered my prayers. Even though it was not a jackpot but God has provided a lot of good things to me during this trial of life.  It might not be the best  but God always provided for us.

Sometimes we just have to appreciate the small stuff because we are blessed more than we realize. I just believed that God would answer my prayers in His own time in His own way.

Have a blessed Sunday readers!

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Notes: Drowning

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

It’s 3:16 am. I am sitting here alone with a cup of warm tea. Sick and stressed out. I invited nicotine  to be with me tonight. Alone. Lonely. I am drowning to the sounding of mosque prayer calls. Just don’t know what to say. Just don’t know what to do. 

This burden gets heavier each day. Thought that I have been loved. Thought that I have been everybody best friend. But here I am sitting here alone. No lover. No family. No friend. Just myself. Again… I just don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to do.

Somehow I  realized that I cannot force other people to love me the way I expected them to. I cannot force other people to accept me the way I wanted them to. But then again, they are not responsible for my happiness but I am. From now on, I have to learn how to be on my own and be happy with it.

God…. I just need somebody to lean on… but I know that I only can count on You. I am sitting here alone, trying to keep smiling but drowning on my own misery. Ha ha ha  I am laughing at myself. Perhaps I’ve been cursed, I said to myself. What a miserable bitch I am sometimes

Jakarta, 5 December 2013

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