Tag Archives: Diary

Notes: Rambling

Been a week since it came back. Been feeling dizzy, losing appetite, finding difficulty in breathing, insomnia and wanting to throwing up all the times. I began to be terrified. I wanted to scream and cry but I hide it as much as I could.

Started to be depressed and angry again. The suicidal thought came back again. I hate the feeling that I am feeling. Wondering what is really happening. But I am too afraid to check it out. Thinking about switching the treatment but I wonder if it would make things better or worse. I don’t know. I am confused. I am afraid.
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Notes: When Faith Turned To Be Fear

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

Trying to catching up on my time [2014: E R]

When I was young, I always thought of myself as a bird. A bird, who loves to spread my wings and learns how to fly so I could see the world. I also always knew that I am fearless. I would take every opportunity, I would take every risk to get everything that I want. I want to be success, I want to be happy.

I have never been afraid of anything. Never afraid of doing something new, of being failed, of losing things or afraid of any human being. No… I have never been afraid because I know that I always have been having faith in myself that I would be able to do things that I want regardless its obstacle.

In 2009, a doctor told me that I might only have another 10 years to live if I did not pay attention of my health by taking medication. Really? Only 10 years and I was 21 years old. I started to have a little fear. Not fear of dying but fear of not being success, fear of not being happy by the time I am gone.

However since I saw my doctor in Singapore, my fear faded away. Continuously I saw the good result of my medication. I was happy. I knew that everything would be alright. I knew that it was a non-sense statement. “How could a doctor tell you when you are going to die?” Just within two year, I completed my medication. I knew I would be alright and have a longer life.

But thing changed. Last Christmas, I was in the hospital. It came back. My faith turned to be fear. I no longer have faith. All I have fear. Fear to not be able to be success. Fear to not be able to be happy.

If the first doctor was true, I would only have another five year left. If I am lucky, I would stay longer but if I am not, I would only have another five year or even less. What would have I done when the time is over? I don’t know

Today is my birthday. I used to always be grateful because I was blessed to be able to new experience in life every year. I was never afraid of getting old. But today, I am upset and afraid because time is ticking and I am counting down my year. And all I know… I just want to be success and I just want to be happy by the time I am gone.

I know I might sound hopeless, coward, ungrateful or whatever you want to call me. But …. reader…. I do not mean to be rude but no I do not need your pity. I do not need you to feel sorry. And I do not even want to read your negative comment or encouraging comment as if you are in my shoes. And yes,  I know that I am not the only one facing what I face in the world. I just want to share my burden. Sometimes some people just want to be listened only when they share their burden. Thank you.

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Jakarta: Are Human Beings Less Valuable than Money?

Since I moved to Jakarta for the very first time, I always become very sensitive with the money issue. It is because I feel that we, as a human being, as a social being, are often being appreciated and valued according to  the money that we have by others. It is very different comparing the time when I lived in Yogyakarta, my hometown.

We tend to be appreciated and valued according to the money that we have, the money that we wear, the money that we live, the money that we drive, the money that we eat and the money that we earn. It makes us, as a human being and social being, is less valuable than other unless they have money.

No wonder… there are many corruption in every institution, be it government institution or private company. It has become a social disease because people value other according to the money that we have, the money that we wear. No wonder… there are many women look for a rich man to keep up with the ‘social requirement’ so they can be accepted. There are many men look for rich vulnerable woman to get money from them so they can keep up with their lifestyle even they cannot afford it. I don’t mean to judge but people try to do anything to generate a lot of money without using a ‘normal process’.

I used to be terrified with it. Honestly, I was…. I used to think what about if I don’t have friend here because I don’t have money? What about if this…? What about that…? But as time passed by…. I realised that I should not have cared about how people value me, how people judge me, how people think about me. It is because other will never be satisfied with who you are, with what you have. They will ask more and more and more.

For this…. I blamed it to the media and business corporation, which try to brainwash people’s mindset with material stuff on daily basis through news, song, film, advertising, magazine and books. They try to decide the definition of beauty for its audience so the audience, which is us, are buying their shit to meet up with the social requirement. Good job!

If we cannot afford it, we will force ourselves to get it by using credit card that we cannot pay every month; by committing  into a corruption be it small or big; by marrying or dating a rich man or woman; by exploiting other to work hard and earning money; or even by stealing. There are just many methods that people do to make money simply because they want to meet up with the ‘social requirement’, which has been shaped by the media.

In the end, we value ourself less, we don’t appreciate our own hard work. Yet, it is not done everyone and I cannot generalise it. I really feel sick with it. I know it does not only happen in Jakarta but in the majority of big city and metropolitan city. Yet, as I am living here…. I just want to share my thought about this issue in Jakarta.

Oh Jakarta…. would you be less arrogant? I love living here because I love my job but ‘those social requirement’ and ‘those definition of beauty’, which have been implemented by many business sector, have forced its citizen to be fake individual. I feel like living in a fake world.

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Catatan: Numpang Hidup sama Mister

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya mendapatkan sebuah SMS yang membuat bulu kuduk berdiri lalu tersenyum simpul. Sebuah nomor yang tidak saya kenal, mencaci maki saya. Basically, si pengirim SMS gelap menuduh saya numpang hidup sama suami saya yang notabene adalah bule alias londo alias orang barat. Maklum orang barat sering dianggap sebagai orang kaya oleh kebanyakan masyarakat Indonesia.

Berbagai pertanyaan muncul di kepala saya”Who is this?“, “What does she want from me?“, “How does (S)he knows my full name?” Entahlah. Saya pikir enggak ada gunanya untuk menggubris SMS semacam itu.

Lucunya si pengirim SMS gelap sepertinya benar-benar sayang dengan saya. Hari Sabtu kemarin, saya kembali mendapatkan SMS gelap dari nomor  yang berbeda, lagi-lagi nomor saya yang enggak dikenal. Dengan bahasa yang sama, saya menduga bahwa si pengirim adalah orang yang berpendidikan rendah atau bahkan enggak pernah mengenyam bangku pendidikan. Kenapa saya berpikir seperti itu? Mudah saja, saya bisa membacanya dari kalimat dan pemilihan kata yang digunakan.

Si pengirim SMS gelap kembali mencaci saya dengan menyebut saya “pelacur”, “pengangguran” dan “cewek matre”. Belum lagi dia berkata demikian “Lu kan sekelas pembantu. Bisa hidup enak karena laki lu bule.” Kesal dan jengkel namun lagi-lagi saya dibuat tertawa oleh SMS ini. Dicaci kok malah ketawa sih?

Well… tentu saja saya tertawa. Lagi-lagi saya mendengar celetukan org yang sudah termakan stereotype bahwa cewek Indonesia nikah dengan orang Barat hanya untuk numpang hidup. Perempuan Indonesia dengan kulit coklat dan pendek dan menikah/berhubungan dengan bule ‘dimasukkan’ dalam kelas pembantu. Aduh-aduh…. ini kan lucu! Kelas pembantu itu seperti apa sih?

Belum lagi beberapa waktu yang lalu saya baru saja mengeluarkan buku berjudul “Bule Hunter”, sebuah catatan tentang perempuan-perempuan pemburu bule yang selama ini kerap dicap negatif oleh masyarakat baik oleh masyarakat lokal atau oleh orang barat. Entah dicap sebagai gold digger, slut, bertampang babu dan sebagainya.

JUST BECAUSE tuan-tuan londho (orang Barat) kerap dianggap sebagai Paman Gober atau Mesin ATM. And of course, it creates jealousy because ‘perempuan dari kelas pembantu’ mendadak jadi ‘orang kaya’. Padahal belum tahu saja kalau enggak sedikit dari mister-mister tersebut yang juga kere. Ya toh?

Anyway…. lucunya lagi saya dibilang pengangguran. Waduh-waduh ha ha ha. Hanya karena saya ke kantor tidak pakai seragam,  saya dibilang pengangguran. Hanya karena saya dapat bekerja dari rumah dan memiliki office hour yang berbeda, saya dibilang pengangguran. Lucu sekali ini!

Biar kata gaji saya kecil (dibanding gaji suami saya), saya lebih memilih untuk makan hasil keringat saya sendiri. Suatu kebahagiaan ketika saya melihat angka di rekening saya berubah menjelang akhir bulan. I can say to myself ‘That’s my hard work!’. But I think that I owe nobody any explanation. Let them judge me as they want it! However before you judge other, make sure that you are perfect!

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Notes: ….

…. from my wildest imagination

I am having you on my mind now, thinking about our old good days but it gets me really upset, realising that somehow I am no longer in love with you anymore. I asked myself… how can I fall in love with you again? If I could, would it ever be the same? I don’t know…

They say…. ‘You don’t push away someone and expect them to be there when you are ready.’ Well… physically I am still here but it seems that my soul is no longer here. I guess I have been long gone. Sometimes I still want you to be the smile on my face but I am too traumatised to have your around me and I just want to be happy…

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Notes: Only Moral Support

….. “I am so depressed about my life,” he said this morning.

Somehow… as soon as I opened my eyes and read his text message, I felt pretty upset. Upset because I do not know what I should or could do to help him out, because all I can do is just give him moral support with all the best effort that I can give.

I know that he is a very kind person with a good heart but he does not know how to ease his mind and enjoy the life a lil bit regardless how difficult our life is at the moment. Still, I am being grateful for the life that I live.

But frankly… I don’t know what else I have to do or say to support him because in the end of the day it’s him to decide what he must do or he must not do…. I am just worried about you up there…

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Notes: One More Time…

From my wildest imagination

….. He said that he would never be with her, would never but he used to tell her that he wanted to be with her one day. Not just once he told her that he wanted to be with her one day… but many times. Everyday… she  was counting down the days and looking forward to that day. Unfortunately … instead of getting closer to that day, that day seemed to go away.

No more warm conversation but argument, no more laughters but tears and no more trust but doubt …. Their relationship was falling apart. She was very upset….  She lost the direction, she did not know where to go, she did not know what to say…. her heart was broken into pieces.

Wow! He would never be mine and we would never be just us two. Would never… not even a chance to try to be together… I couldn’t believe it. How could it be? Is it for real? My feeling was real but my dream seems to not be real… How could it be?” she asked herself in that corner.

That night … he got down on his knees, looked into her teary sad eyes to say sorry. Sorry for breaking her heart, sorry for telling her lies, sorry for hurting her, sorry for destroying her dream .. her dream to be with him in there future. He was being really sorry but was he really being sorry? She did not know… Her heart was broken for one more time ….

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