Monthly Archives: December 2013

Music: The Monster

The Monster by Eminem ft Rihanna

[Chorus: Rihanna]
I’m friends with the monster
That’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy
Yeah, you think I’m crazy (crazy)

[Eminem: Verse 1]
I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh well, guess beggars can’t be choosey
Wanted to receive attention for my music
Wanted to be left alone, the public excuse me
Been wanting my cake, I need it too, wanting it both ways
Fame may be a balloon cause my ego inflated
When I blew seep it was confusing
Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf
Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam
Hit the lottery, oh wee
With what I gave up to get was bittersweet
It was like winning a huge meet
Ironic cause I think I’m getting so big I need a shrink
I’m beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep
Going cucko and cuckier as Kool Keith
But I’m actually weirder than you think
Cause I’m

[Chorus:]
I’m friends with the monster
That’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy
Yeah, you think I’m crazy

Well, that’s not fair
Well, that’s not fair

[Eminem: Verse 2]
Now I ain’t much of a poet
But I know somebody once told me to seize the moment
And don’t squander it
Cause you never know when it could all be over
tomorrow so I keep conjuring
Sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
(Yeah, ponder it
Do you wonder there’s no wonder you’re losing
your mind the way you’re brought up?)
I think you’ve been wandering off down yonder
and stumbled upon Jeff [?]
Cause I needed an intervention in this to intervene
between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
Cause the very things that I love is killing me and
I can’t conquer it
My OCD’s conkin’ me in the head
Keep knocking, nobody’s home, I’m sleepwalking
I’m just relaying what the voice of my head saying
Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just friends with the

[Chorus:]
I’m friends with the monster
That’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy
Yeah, you think I’m crazy

Well, that’s not fair
Well, that’s not fair

[Eminem: Verse 3]
Call me crazy, but I had this vision
One day that I’d walk amongst you regular civilians
But until then drums get killed I’m coming straight at
Emcees, blood get spilled and I
Take it back to the days that I get on a Dre track
Give every kid who got played gat
Pumped the villain and shit that say back
To the kids who played ‘em
I ain’t here to save the fvcking children
But if one kid out of a hundred million
Who are going through a struggle feels and relates that’s great
It’s payback, Russell Wilson falling way back
In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that
Straw in the gold chump I will spend
[?] in a hay stack
Maybe I need a straightjacket, face facts
I am nuts for real, but I’m okay with that
It’s nothing, I’m still friends with a

[Bridge:]
I’m friends with the monster
That’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy
Yeah, you think I’m crazy

I’m friends with the monster
That’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy
Yeah, you think I’m crazy

Well, that’s not fair

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Notes: Negative Mindset

Negative Mindset Tends to Corrupt My Life [2013: E N U]

Negative Mindset Tends to Corrupt My Life [2013: E N U]

Life has been extremely hard for me in these last few months. Instead of getting better each month, life seems getting harder and worse. I tried to be strong and believe that everything was okay and would get better sooner than later. But no it did not. It got worse and I could not deal with it well. But was it me unable to deal it well or was it just my negative mindset?

Wait…. that’s what I just discovered! Whether were I really unable to deal with the current life situation well or was it just my negative mindset?

Well let me tell you something, I always said to myself that I must always remove my negative thinking when I have/want/need to do something. No matter how difficult my task is… I MUST NOT say that I CANNOT. Instead I MUST say that I CAN. If I have belief in myself that I can do it, surely I will be able to finish any task, which is given to me. Why did I say that?

Few years ago when I was working for an english newspaper, I was asked to write four stories. It was 2 p.m and the deadline was at 7 p.m. I could not say NO and I would not say No. Instead I said yes. I said to myself that I CAN finish it and I WILL finish it. Even though I didn’t meet the deadline on time, I was able to finish and submit all the stories. I was relieved.  I was happy knowing that I had the ability to do it.

Somehow when I worked on those article, I felt no burden at all. Instead I was enjoying it. But here was the key, I believed that I would not do anything properly without God’s help. (I know I might sound so religious but that’s what I believe : ). I believe in God’s grace).

So as I reflected into my current life’s situation and how I dealt with it, I just felt that the negativity has corrupted my life. It was just a constant complaint.  I always said to myself how unhappy I am, how stressful my life is, how difficult my life is, how hard my life is, etc etc etc. Yes perhaps I am unhappy with the current situation but shouldn’t I just consider it as a test from God?

Well I often said to myself that this difficult life would be just temporary, it wouldn’t stay forever as what Saint Paul said There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

And again Jesus also said “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27)

So why couldn’t I deal with my current life situation well? I think it is because I was surrounded by people with negative thinking and somehow it effected to me. No I did not mean to blame anyone here. But now I learnt whenever all those negative opinion comes closer to me, it is better for me to walk away or close my ears to ignore it.

It all comes down to our mindset. If we have a positive mindset, we would deal with difficulty positively, led us to positive attitude and finally we would not feel that we carry a heavy burden. But if we have a negative mindset, we would deal with difficulty with negative attitude, give us frustration and and life getting  hard for us everyday.

I am glad that I have been introduced to God since I was child through Catholic belief. Even though there was a stage of life when I did not want to be tied to any religion but still believed in God, I just found that religious value has taught me something which gives me peace of mind.

Instead of running to alcohol or nicotine  when I got upset (I used to drink a lot but was not an alcoholic, just a cocktail lover. And I knew I smoked few days ago but I rarely did it), I just picked my bible and read it. It might not give me a solution right away but it gives me peace of mind. And that’s all I need.

For me, life is about constant reflection. Perhaps some people might think that I am drama queen or melancholic bitch whenever I share my problem or point of view of life in my blog but I don’t really care anyway. This is how the way I live my life.

And  I just realized that God actually has answered my prayers. Even though it was not a jackpot but God has provided a lot of good things to me during this trial of life.  It might not be the best  but God always provided for us.

Sometimes we just have to appreciate the small stuff because we are blessed more than we realize. I just believed that God would answer my prayers in His own time in His own way.

Have a blessed Sunday readers!

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Notes: Drowning

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

I am responsible for my own happiness [2013: E R]

It’s 3:16 am. I am sitting here alone with a cup of warm tea. Sick and stressed out. I invited nicotine  to be with me tonight. Alone. Lonely. I am drowning to the sounding of mosque prayer calls. Just don’t know what to say. Just don’t know what to do. 

This burden gets heavier each day. Thought that I have been loved. Thought that I have been everybody best friend. But here I am sitting here alone. No lover. No family. No friend. Just myself. Again… I just don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to do.

Somehow I  realized that I cannot force other people to love me the way I expected them to. I cannot force other people to accept me the way I wanted them to. But then again, they are not responsible for my happiness but I am. From now on, I have to learn how to be on my own and be happy with it.

God…. I just need somebody to lean on… but I know that I only can count on You. I am sitting here alone, trying to keep smiling but drowning on my own misery. Ha ha ha  I am laughing at myself. Perhaps I’ve been cursed, I said to myself. What a miserable bitch I am sometimes

Jakarta, 5 December 2013

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Notes: Tired

It is 12:34 a.m. I am tired but I cannot fall asleep. Again, my mind is a mess. Been going through emotional roller coasters. My head is heavy. My heart hurts. I feel sick. And I just don’t know where to go.

Sometimes I asked myself ‘Why did you choose to stay with me when I told you that I had liver problem? I gave you a choice to leave but you chose to stay. It was four years ago and now you told me that you could not deal with it well.

You broke my heart again one more time… I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Lord, where are You?  I am tired ….

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