Monthly Archives: June 2013

Notes: Lost Direction

A woman should be able to stand on her own two feet. As much as possible, a woman should not be dependent on man in so many ways, including for money.

In the end of the day, when men were busy making some money and pursuing their passion, women tend to work harder than men do. Women carry baby for nine months. Women make sure that there is always food on the table, that kids get the best education and that the family is always healthy.

An old friend of mine used to say to me “A woman must be able to do everything by herself, including earning money. Let us not becoming a slave for a man simply because we cannot do anything but spread our legs and get fucked,”

“One of the reasons that I divorced from my ex-husband because I often got a verbal abuse from him. Whether he called me a gold digger, a spoiled bitch or a lazy wife and mother who could not take care of the family. I was only 19 years old at that time,”

“I could not stand that! I could not take it. If it is just about money, money won’t go anywhere. We always can try to find away to earn it even it is small. The most important thing is that we must keep working and praying.”

“I always tried to work hard to earn my own money because it is very complicated to deal with man about money issue.”

“You know that I have to take care of my daughter by myself. My ex-husband does not even give any penny for child support. I don’t know where he is now. But I really don’t care because I can stand by my own two feet and can support my daughter with my own sweat.”

It was a conversation between me and Liliana few months ago in a coffee shop in Kemang. I suddenly remember about it. She is a strong woman. She is a single parent, a hardworking woman and a caring mother. I really like talking to Liliana. She is a very inspiring woman in her own way.

I lost direction [2013: Nataya]

I lost direction [2013: Nataya]

One of my biggest dreams is to be a successful woman, who is good on what I am doing, as well as an independent woman.

Since I was young, I have started to take a part-time job to earn an extra pocket money. I’ve taken a job as cleaner, a waitress in a chocolate house, a secretary as well as an assistant for a Dutch journalist, based in Yogya.

As I completed my study, I moved to Jakarta to pursue a career as a media worker in early 2010. Initially, I started to do an internship at an English language newspaper, continued doing another internship at an American and finally working as a general news reporter for an English language newspaper.

Honestly, I really like my job. Every day I learnt a lot about so many things, including how to how to collect the data for the article, how to approach the source and how to write an article in English, especially that I was not graduated from English Literature program.

I am glad that my former editor told me that I have improved from time to time. And I know that it takes time and effort to be a successful woman and good on what I am doing.

When things get blurry [2011: ER]

When things get blurry [2011: ER]

Now I work as a freelance writer for a foreign media. I love my job because I can write the topic that I have interest in. But unfortunately, working as freelance writer, I don’t have a protection or an umbrella if something’s bad happen. On the top of that, it does not have a definite career direction.

And I start to feel lost. What am I going to do now? I need new science and theory to be implemented. I want to go back to school. I want to go back working at a company or organization. I cannot just stay as a freelance writer. It will bring me nowhere.

How can I a successful independent if I stay as a freelance worker?

I need to get back up. I know that there is always sunny day. I need to start hunting for a scholarship again, focus and take it seriously. I have time to search and prepare myself.

I really want to study in the foreigner country such as U.K or U.S.A so that I can use my knowledge to serve people in my country and be useful to other.

Other than that, I also can make my dream come true by being a successful yet independent woman, who does not depend on man. I want to have my own comfortable house, car, healthy food and be able to travel around the world. Nevertheless, I don’t want to be a greedy being.

Liliana was correct that a woman must be able to do everything on her own without being dependent to a man.

A friend of mine always said that I must focus if I want to make my dream comes true.

Well… stay focus Fani!signature

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Notes: When I Have Not Loved Myself Completely

Don't forget to love yourself  [2013: E O]

Don’t forget to love yourself [2013: E O]

I believe that everyone has their own dirty little secret including me.

But there is a saying “For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.”

I am just upset. I am just tired. I do not want to fight.  I do not want to be angry. But I just want to run, scream and cry to God….

Because ….. I am tired

I want to share my life burden but I have lost  words. I prefer to stay silent.

But when the night comes, I keep crying in my sleep.

Oh God… I just want to rest now. Run from the reality.

You! Yes you! Every time I escape from problem, you always told me that I am coward. Perhaps, I am. But I am tired. I realized that I have not loved myself completely. Then, how can I love you and you if I do not know how to love myself?

Oh God, grant me your love!

When I have not love myself completely [2012: ER]

When I have not love myself completely [2012: ER]

Aku percaya bahwa setiap manusia memiliki sebuah rahasia  termasuk saya.

Namun  kata pepatah, sepintar-pintar bangkai ditutupi baunya akan tercium juga.

Aku gundah. Aku lelah. Aku tak ingin bertengkar. Dan aku tak ingin marah. Namun aku hanya ingin lari, berteriak dan menangis kepada Tuhan.

Karna… aku lelah.

Ingin aku berbagai namun aku sudah kehilangan kata-kata. Aku memilih diam.

Namun saat malam tiba, aku terus menangis  yang terus mengalir dalam tidurku.

Gusti… Aku hanya ingin istirahat. Lari dari kenyataan.

Kau! Ya… kau! Setiap kali aku lari dari masalah, kau selalu mengatakan aku pengecut. Mungkin memang demikian adanya. Namun aku lelah. Aku sadar bahwa aku belum mencintai diriku sepenuhnya. Lalu, bagaimana aku bisa mencintai kamu dan kamu kalau aku tak tahu bagaimana untuk mencintai diriku sendiri?

Duh Gusti… paringana sabar! signature

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Music: Mirror by Justin Timberlake

[Verse 1]
Aren’t you somethin’ to admire
Cause your shine is somethin’ like a mirror
And I can’t help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I’m always
Parallel on the other side

[Pre-Hook]
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there’s no place we couldn’t go
Just put your hand on the past
I’m here tryin’ to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

[Hook 1]
Cause I don’t wanna lose you now
I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me
The biggest scene is set in my heart
There’s a space, but now you’re home
Show me how to fight for now
And I’ll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin’ back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn’t get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it’s clear as this promise
That we’re making
Two reflections into one
Cause it’s like you’re my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

[Verse 2]
Aren’t you somethin’, an original
Cause it doesn’t seem really as simple
And I can’t help but stare, cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can’t ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I
Would look at us all the time

[Pre-Hook]

[Hook]

[Break]
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow’s a mystery
I can see you lookin’ back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

[Hook]

[Hook 2] x10
You are, you are the love of my life

[Verse 3]
Baby, you’re the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it’s already gone
And I can’t wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are

[Hook 2] x8

[Verse 4]
Girl you’re my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
You’re my reflection and all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do

[Hook 2] x16
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Indonesia: A Letter To Pak Beye

People attend a candlelight vigil at Proclamation Monument in central Jakarta on Tuesday night (August 28th) to pray and show support for Shia Muslims in Sampang, Madura after local Sunni Muslims attacked the community, killing two men and burning dozens of homes. Hundreds attended the Malam Seribu Lilin (Night of a Thousand Candles). [2012: Oktofani]

People attend a candlelight vigil at Proclamation Monument in central Jakarta on Tuesday night (August 28th) to pray and show support for Shia Muslims in Sampang, Madura after local Sunni Muslims attacked the community, killing two men and burning dozens of homes. Hundreds attended the Malam Seribu Lilin (Night of a Thousand Candles). [2012: Oktofani]

Dear Pak Beye,

I am a citizen. I am a journalist. As a journalist, I like to observe, I like to listen to my source when they tell me a story. I do not interrupt them. I let them  take all the time that they need. It is because I realize that people like to be listened to.

Since I started my career in journalism, I often covered stories on human rights and legal issues. As a result, I am very aware of human rights issues now. There is a saying in journalism “Bad news is good news“. And working as a journalist in Indonesia, I would find ‘good news‘ very easily. It is because everyday I see and hear s about so many  cases of human rights violations in this beloved country.

It is very saddening to see that the number of violent attacks on religious minorities keeps increasing each year. Setara Institute found that  there were 216 cases of violent attacks on religious minorities in 2010, 244 cases in 2011 and 264 cases in 2012.

The victims of the attacks mentioned in the report belonged to religious communities including Catholic and Protestant Christians, and Islamic groups Shia, Sunni and Ahmadiyah.

Some people say that journalistic duties are to JUST write down the fact and present it to the public, we must not be involved. That is so true. But sometimes, I questioned myself how can I help the victims? I don’t want to be a hero. But I am a human with heart and feeling.

Ten Shiites from Sampang, Madura, East Java, are heading to Jakarta on bicycles to meet President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono and directly convey their complaints over being expelled from their own village in August 2012.

Ten Shiites from Sampang, Madura, East Java, are heading to Jakarta on bicycles to meet President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono and directly convey their complaints over being expelled from their own village in August 2012.

Norma Manalu, an activist from Aceh, speaks at a June 4th gathering about women’s rights in Aceh, at Hotel Acacia in Jakarta. Activists say they are not against Sharia Law but question the way it is being implemented.

Norma Manalu, an activist from Aceh, speaks at a June 4th gathering about women’s rights in Aceh, at Hotel Acacia in Jakarta. Activists say they are not against Sharia Law but question the way it is being implemented.

My heart beat stopped when I saw women crying because they could not use their church for worshiping God on Sunday. I cried when I heard that three Ahmadiyah followers were killed in West Java.

I was speechless when I heard a Syiah  follower had nothing to say to his four years old boy that they no longer have house because their house has been burned down by extremists in Sampang, Madura, East Java.  I wanted to scream to the government of Aceh for regulating women’s clothing and movement in Aceh as if there are not more important things to be involved in.

Akh…. Indonesia!  Don’t you remember what your teacher taught you in the class when you were at Elementary School? They taught us about Pancasila and Bhinneka Tunggal Ika (Unity in Diversity).

Akh… Indonesia! We forgot how to respect each other. We forgot the value of humanity. We forgot our national motto, Bhinneka Tunggal Ika . We just care about ourselves and be selfish instead.

Indonesia! We forgot that the Indonesian Constitution has guaranteed its citizen to choose and practice their religion. Yet, Ahmadi cannot use their mosque and some Christians cannot use their churches to worship God.

President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono has just received theWorld Statesman  Award for promoting religious freedom  in Indonesia, while in reality your people cannot  practice their belief and religions in safety.  They come to you to convey their problem, yet you don’t even have five minutes for them. Should you wait until the table turn on you?

Bapak SBY, they are your children. They consider you as a father hence they come to you. Please kindly open your eyes, open your ears and open your heart to them.  Help them justice.

Bapak presiden, they might not have a high education but they know the value of humanity. Open your heart, open your door for them. It is ridiculous that they should come to you because the local government were too blind and to dumb to hear their problem.  We all just want to live peacefully in our home country.

Bapak presiden, if you were a real soldier, you should act like it. If you are a good father, then you should act like one. If you are a good president, then be a good president. The extremists have insulted you big time but you still give them space. That’s unfortunate.

Oh here… I have a song for you Pak Beye “Dear Mr. President” by Pink. I hope you enjoy it.

Love

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An FPI-Free Indonesia supporter holds a sign at a rally attended by about 50 people in front of the National Police Headquarters in Jakarta on May 10th, 2012. The group is demanding a stop to violence committed in the name of religion. [2012: Oktofani Elisabeth]

An FPI-Free Indonesia supporter holds a sign at a rally attended by about 50 people in front of the National Police Headquarters in Jakarta on May 10th, 2012. The group is demanding a stop to violence committed in the name of religion. [2012: Oktofani Elisabeth]

Indonesian Youth's Express their disappointment to the government because Lady Gaga had to cancel her sold-out show in Indonesia following protests by Islamic hard-liners and conservative lawmakers, who said her sexy clothes and dance moves will corrupt young people [2012: Oktofani]

Indonesian Youth’s Express their disappointment to the government because Lady Gaga had to cancel her sold-out show in Indonesia following protests by Islamic hard-liners and conservative lawmakers, who said her sexy clothes and dance moves will corrupt young people [2012: Oktofani]

The protesters called President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono “banci,” which literally translates to transvestite, saying he was a coward for not disbanding Ahmadiyah. [2011: Oktofani Elisabeth]

The protesters called President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono “banci,” which literally translates to transvestite, saying he was a coward for not disbanding Ahmadiyah. [2011: Oktofani Elisabeth]

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Fashion: Abhaya Skirt

I am in my Abhaya Skirt [2013: E R]

I am in my Abhaya Skirt [2013: E R]

I always love traditional textile, be it batik, songket, ikat, sarong or tenun. Unfortunately, I always find it difficult to find a ready wear outfit, which is made from traditional textile, that matches to my taste. Hence I always designed my own outfit.

Well, some people say that there is nothing new under the sun and I would say that my design is not particularly original. But I often put a little detail on my design such as button, zipper or line.

Here it is my latest design, A-line skirt, which is made from orange and green Cambodian silk.  The skirt has no waistline and use invisible zipper on the left side. And I named it  Abhaya skirt, which means fearless skirt.

Abhaya skirt sketch [2013: Oktofani]

Abhaya skirt sketch [2013: Oktofani]

Abhaya skirt [2013: Oktofani]

Abhaya skirt [2013: Oktofani]

Somehow, I really like my Abhaya skirt because I can wear it for formal meeting or hanging out with friends. It all depends on what kind of top that I am wearing with.

So what do you think?

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Fashion: High Waist Pencil Skirt with Crop Top

I have never fell in love with high waist skirt or short or pants because I always think that it would make my stomach looks big. Or I will think that my stomach is big.

So I just neglected my washed out high waist pencil skirt jeans for few months in the closet. It is simply because I don’t know what I am going to wear it with or where I am going to wear it.

High Waist Pencil Skirt and Crop Top Tee [2013: ER]

High Waist Pencil Skirt and Crop Top Tee [2013: ER]

Some people might want to ask me so why on earth did you buy that thang? Well.. the silly answer is because it is Dolce & Gabbana and they sold it with the best price. It was only 90 USD, while the original price was about 500 USD.

Anyhow, finally I found the best top to wear this skirt with. Since I am in love with crop top tee, I found that this high waist pencil skirt is suitable with a crop top tee. Some of my friends said that it is quite edgy yet chic. What do you think?

Crop Top by TopShop * Red belt and Pencil Skirt by Dolce and Gabbana * Handbag by Ginger Snap * Strap wedges sandal by Sam Edelman * Shade by Gucci

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Spirituality: The Prayer of Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

Mother Mary statue in St. Theresia Church, Menteng, Jakarta, Indonesia [2013: Oktofani]

Mother Mary statue in St. Theresia Church, Menteng, Jakarta, Indonesia [2013: Oktofani]

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,
implored your help or sought your intercession,
was left unaided.

Inspired with this confidence,
I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;
to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

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Music: Just Give Me a Reason

Just Give Me A Reason by Pink feat Nate Rues

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I, your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me
That weren’t all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you’ve been talking in your sleep
Oh, oh, things you never say to me
Oh, oh, tell me that you’ve had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I’m sorry I don’t understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)

Your head is running wild again
My dear, we still have everythin’
And it’s all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin’)

You’ve been havin’ real bad dreams
Oh, oh, you used to lie so close to me
Oh, oh, there’s nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I never stopped
You’re still written in the scars on my heart
You’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I’ll fix it for us
We’re collecting dust
But our love’s enough

You’re holding it in
You’re pouring a drink
No, nothing is as bad as it seems
We’ll come clean

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
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Notes: Insomnia

It’s 2:32 a.m. I am still wide awake.

For some reason, I cannot manage to close my eyes and sleep. My mind is a mess, my mind is not at peace. I am tired. I am extremely exhausted. I just want to sleep but I cannot. This sucks big time!

Akh… what should I do now? Perhaps I should start counting sheeps…. Would it help? I don’t know. I should try. Perhaps it works. Good night..

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Music: I’ll Never Love Again

I was wrong to let you walk right out of my life
I was dumb to think that I could survive
Was a fool to think the grass was greener on the other side
Now it hurts to know that it means that I…

I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never find nobody who can love me like you do
I’ll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I’ll never fins nobody else baby, hey
I’ll never fall in love again eh

I was stupid to think that any love could compare
To the love that you gave to me from you,
Was a fool, yes a fool to think that I’d find anywhere
Anyone thats better for me than you…

I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never find nobody who can love me like you do
I’ll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I’ll never fins nobody else baby, hey
I’ll never fall in love again eh

And now my heart is stone cold
because you’ve gone, gone away (away)
gone away (away)
And now my heart is stone cold
because you’ve gone, gone away (away)
gone away (away)
And now my heart is stone cold
because you’ve gone, gone away (away)
gone away (away)
And now my heart is stone cold
because you’ve gone, gone away (away)
gone away (away)
Gone away (Gone away, gone away, gone away)
Gone away

I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never love again (Neva Neva)
I’ll never find nobody who can love me like you do
I’ll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I’ll never fins nobody else baby, hey
I’ll never fall in love again eh

I’ll never find nobody who can love me like you do
I’ll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I’ll never fins nobody else baby, hey
I’ll never fall in love again eh


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