Lately, I have been thinking that I might have been untruthful to myself about who I am and what I want to do. When I look myself into the mirror, I saw that I did not act just like how the way I used to act or I did not act or think like the other girls or boys in my age. Somehow, I feel that I actually act like a 27 years old woman or even older, I do not do crazy stuff like the other 23 kids do such as getting into trouble or just do a simple stuff or have fun like my little sister (Oh… how I envy her). I am too rushing with my life! That is why I feel that I might have been untruthful to myself.
For minutes, I am standing in front of the mirror and saying hello to my shadow in the mirror. I am asking her why I feel that I might have been untruthful to myself?
“You are the one who knows why. But let me tell you something!” she answered.
“You are an Oktofani, you come from a small town and you were not a popular type girl. That is why, you want to show people around you that instead of showing your outer beauty, you are trying to show them an inner beauty. You want to be seen by many people that you are good on something. Other than that, you want to be part of the group.”
“You are not confident with your appearance, you are afraid to be rejected but you want to be different. You are sick and tired with the people who neglected you especially when one saw you not as a good girl but bule whore just because you are dark and you hang out with them alots! Just let them go! Those people are just narrow minded”
“That’s why you want to show them you are more than bule whore. You are woman with a brain, who has found a love life that you were looking for. You want to show them that you can achieve something in a positive way. But how happy are you being that woman? Are you proud about what you are doing? Many of your friends are jealous with what you are doing. But, what about you? Are you sure that you are happy? If so, why do you feel that you might have untruthful to herself? You are not a little daddy girl with an issue, are you?”
“Or you might need to ask yourself what do you want.”
I am smiling to her and I think that she is right. But, does it mean that I am pathetic person because I don’t be myself just to be part of the group? That’s horrible! That is not me!
“The key issue is that you are not popular type girl, you are new in the town, you feel lonely and you do not want to be neglected.” she said.
As I am staring through out the city view from my apartment with a glass of french wine, I am thinking that my shadow was right. Recently, I am thinking is how I can enjoy myself and be happy with what I am doing and with my current condition. I mean, it does not mean that I am not happy with what I am doing because I love my job and I want to do better. I have an inner beauty that can make me accepted by other people.
“Other than that, to be accepted by people, You do not have to wear a Chanel dress, Jimmy Choo handbag or Christian Louboutin shoes. That’s them! Do you remember how casual you used to be? Do you remember how hippies you used to be? Do you remember why some people called you ethnicgirl? It is because you were not the victim of the fashion! You were not the victim of all the advertising! You do not care with what people say about you! You were yourself! That’s the key!”
“Keep in mind, it is fine that you want to upgrade your lifestyle. It is fine that you want to wear any designer product. But, are you happy with that? Is that what you really want? Or, you want to be seen without being yourself?”
“There is something strong inside you that sometimes leads you into wrong direction and you have to control it! Although, the wrong direction does not always bring you to a wrong place!”
Blah! I don’t know, I feel I need to talk someone to tell me what is happening with me because I don’t think that I cannot even tell myself what has been happening with me. Other than that, a conversation with myself will not give me the exact answer that I really want, although it gives me a little peace of mind.
“Hey, everyone has a desire to be accepted by the group. But, how? Have you found a way to be accepted without being untruthful to yourself?”
I hope someone out there can tell me what happened or I just try to find it by myself.
“Go somewhere and be there by yourself! Meet a totally stranger on your age! That will be a good lesson of life that might teach you a useful key of yourself to live your life! Just believe that you are awesome in your own way”
I am smiling and I know that there is one thing that I need to note to myself that life is not a sweet story in the novel or perfect drama movie with happy ending and life is not as sweet as candy. Although, some say that you cannot have all what you want in this life even you try to get it but I believe that we can have all what we want in this life. Bet me!
Anyway, have you talked to yourself recently?
*playing: Carry You Home by James Blunt and You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me by Cher